My New Year’s resolutions for December 31st, 2011 were to give up smoking. It was also to avoid falling in love with the following people – drug addicts, compulsive liars, cheaters, wife beaters, emotional fuck ups, attention seekers and general fucktards. The reason I know this is because I posted a Facebook status that said something along the same lines. I also said that I wouldn’t buy so many pairs of shoes.
As I look back and reflect over the last year, I realize how much of a rollercoaster I have been through. I lost what I thought was the love of my life to a drug problem. He may not have died, but we sure did. I moved from one side of the world to the other. I slept with 7 different boys. 4 of those were boys I’d never slept with before. I have been in two “real” relationships and one “sort of” relationship. I have fallen in love (again) once. I think. I have gotten a new job. I have lost 60 pounds in weight. I’ve put a few of those back on again. I’ll start the diet again in the New Year.
I wanted 2012 to be a good year. I thought it was the new start that the Big Love and I so desperately needed. Turns out it wasn’t.
I failed at a lot of things in 2012. I DID give up smoking again like I wanted, but I started up again so I don’t think it really counts. As far as I’m aware, I haven’t fallen in love with a drug addict, cheater, wife beater, emotional fuck up, attention seeker or general fucktard. The compulsive liar bit is debatable. Let’s be honest; One Ball has been a bit of a twat.
I’ve gained a few people in my life – those that I work with and some new friends. I have also lost a few – The Lapdog is a definite loss. My Mr. Grey seems to have disappeared off the scene again. To be fair, I wasn’t exactly as responsive as I probably should have been, especially when One Ball came along. I lost the Big Love of course. I also lost half of the people that I once considered to be friends on the other side of the world. I knew that would happen though – you promise to keep in touch but even with modern technology, you still don’t as much as you should.
According to my Facebook page, I added 75 new friends in 2012. I wonder how many of those people I would actually consider to be friends. Or how many I still am friends with today.
Facebook also reminds me, in my review of 2012 that it offers, that I was far too drunk and went to too many bad clubs when I first came home. I spent some time on the beach during the poorest summer ever. I dyed my hair so many times that I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen out yet. I went to a couple of Anniversary parties, a few birthday parties and more than my fair share of festive drinks. I was in a relationship for a brief spell of time. I also wore some pretty colourful outfits…. Cheers Facebook! What you have basically reminded me is that this year I have mostly been single, drunk and in outfits that I’m sure were a great idea at the time. It makes me feel like I’ve done sweet bugger all with my year.
I wanted to think of 2012 as my new beginning, but in reality all I did was rewind. I have ended up right back where I started 7 years ago, before all of my adventures began. And what a few years it has been. I got married, moved and lived in three different countries, on three different continents. I travelled. I have found love and lost love, separated from the hubby, started 6 new jobs, “lived” in 7 new places, slept with too many people, broke too many hearts and lost too many friends. I’ve made great memories though, and although I’d love to see the back of this crappy fucking year, I can’t snub the fun and laughter I have had along the way. The nights out with the sister who is now legally allowed to drink with me. The movies I went to see high in the cinema with the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With. The crazy fuck fest weekend I had with My Mr. Grey. The awesome weekend I spent with One Ball. The bad sex with the drunk guy. The nights I spent partying with the Lapdog, high on MDMA. New memories, new people, new places….
So I start 2013 on a new chapter. This year WILL be my year. I’m not going to make New Year’s resolutions, as such, but I am going to make goals to meet before 2013 is out:
I want to give up smoking. Again.
I want to progress within my job.
I want to see where things go with One Ball and hope not to get a broken heart at the end of it.
I want to find a new little home to call my own rather than living with family.
I want to go to a country that I have never been to before.
I want to go back to the other side of the world to see the people I left behind.
I want to get completely, truly, definitely over the Big Love.
I want to make mistakes and cry some tears, make new happy memories and travel around my home country that I feel has been somewhat overlooked.
I want to get drunk, occasionally take some drugs and have some good nights out.
I want to get to my goal weight of 145 pounds.
When all is said and done, I just want to be happy. So here is my goodbye to 2012 and my hello to 2013 – BRING IT ON!
Happy New Year guys! Thanks for spending 2012 with me – my tears, my laughter, my sex and my fears. I love you all. And I hope 2013 is your year too xoxoxoxo Follow me on Facebook & Twitter for more updates!
With a little help from Single Eve Says and her beautiful Twitter post confessing her love for my blog, things have gone a bit nuts. I’ve shot to twice as many page views as I would normally get on a daily basis, and when Xander re-tweeted my page views went a bit nuts. It’s amazing how much of a difference a little Twitter action can make! I’m certainly grateful for the promotion! Thanks guys!
(Obviously this was for the last Blog – NotSoSexinTheCity before they nicely closed it down! Pffft!)
Anyway….. I decided to make things a little bit more complicated for myself. And fun at the same time! This blog is basically a journal of my life so I decided it needed a good old Facebook page. So, ladies & gentlebugs; I have created one – I’d love it if you could check it out and let me know what you think!
Not So Sex in the City on Facebook!
What’s going to appear on my Facebook page? Well, all of the things that I would never get away with saying on my private, personal page of course! All the little things related to this blog that I would never tell another soul – why not get it out there? I thought it might make it easier for you guys to keep up with my ever-changing life too – you know how crazy my love life seems to have been over the last year or so!
Anyway, I hope you will follow me on my journey. It’s a good job I have two phones – keeping up with my personal page was hard enough work. Not that I’m complaining of course – I never even dreamed of getting all the views and followers that I seem to get. As always, your love of my blog is VERY appreciated!
Anyway, that’s enough for now. I’m off to have a heavenly shower and think of all the things I want to do to One Ball when he comes in T-Minus 3 sleeps!
Eeeeek! The excitement!
Love you guys!!! xoxo
“You’re the worst kind of woman. When a woman like you wants something she always gets it, no matter what she has to do to fucking get him there!”
Do you think you could score your last breakup? Was it more painful Adele than get-over-him Taylor Swift?
Today I am in a very weird place. In fact I’ve been in a weird place for a few days now. I haven’t really had anything to write. Or maybe I did and just didn’t know where to start?
Two days before Christmas. This should be a time of cheer and I don’t see myself cheering. I’ve worked so many hours at work and run around after the family so much, as well as my freelance writing to afford Christmas as my pay hasn’t been right for the last few times, that I’ve forgotten about Christmas altogether. It’s 9:34pm on Christmas Eve-Eve and I still haven’t wrapped anything. In fact, I still haven’t bought everything I wanted to buy for people Still I work better under pressure so hopefully a last minute dash for it on Christmas Eve itself will prove fruitful.
I haven’t really thought about the Big Love much recently which lead me to think that I was starting to get over him. I also found this very interesting article on 26 Milestones to Pass after a breakup which I decided to test myself on.
According to the article, there are 26 milestones that you have to pass in order to be over someone. Clearly I’m not going to work my way through them all, firstly because some of them are unnecessary, and secondly because we will be here forever. And no-one has time for that right now.
*The first milestone is not instantly thinking about him when you wake up in the morning. Well, I’ve not done that in a while now.
*Number seven was when you deleted his number from your phone. Well I haven’t done that yet. I have recently discovered that he no longer has an iPhone now which makes me sad. I felt comfort in the fact that he was just an iMessage away and now he’s not. I have restored the phone so none of his messages are on there anymore. That’s got to be progress, right?
*When you de-friend him on Facebook and un-follow him on Twitter was milestone number 8. I deleted him from my Facebook before I even left the other side of the world, and he never had Twitter anyway.
*Number nine was when you stop asking mutual friends to keep you updated. Well I’ve never really done that either – I stalked his Facebook more than a few times because he has everything public (TWAT) and it was easy. I blocked him a few times, but also unblocked him. Funnily enough, almost every time I have unblocked him I have had a message from him within a few days.
*When you find a spare pair of his socks and don’t crumble is number 10. I threw most of his things away when I came back to this side of the world. He did have a whole bunch of stuff here that he left when we were this side together. There were a couple of things I kept though. I still have a pair of his shorts. They are comfy. I also have a t-shirt of his which, funnily enough, he had never even worn. I also have one of his t-shirts that made up his uniform in the war zone where we met. These aren’t things I crumble over however; they are just memories from our time together. Is that the same thing?
*Number 12 was flirting with a new man because you actually want to, not just to prove that you still can after all this time. Well there have been a few guys since Big Love. One Ball is the closest I’ve gotten to feeling something even closely resembling emotional attachment to someone so I’m going to check this milestone box.
*Number 20 was when you are getting undressed at night or getting ready for something and you realize that what you are putting on or taking off was something he bought you. There are still certain garments of clothing that bring a lump to my throat – that red dress for his work Christmas party, the Louboutin’s he bought me for my birthday and the hoodie that he bought me in the war zone. He never really bought me clothes so I don’t even know if this milestone applies to me.
*The first major holiday you manage to get through on your own. Well I guess in two days we will know the answer to this one. I know this Christmas can’t suck half as much as what the last one did.
*When you genuinely realize that you don’t want him anymore. I’m stuck with this milestone. I KNOW I don’t want to be with him anymore and I know it would never work if we were to get back together. It doesn’t stop me pining for him though. It doesn’t stop my heart from hurting.
*When you are genuinely happy about him and his girlfriend. Well remember in one of my last posts I said she looked fat in one of the Facebook pictures? Well, there’s another picture and she is definitely a bigger girl. Bigger than I ever got and I did put on some serious weight towards the end, before I lost it all in one go. He told me he couldn’t be with a bigger girl ever again. He also said that my weight was one of the biggest things he didn’t like about me. How the fucking hell does it make sense that he is with a big girl now? Everything he said he didn’t like about me, he’s basically found in her. She looks similar to me – she’s curvy but bigger than I got. She has blonde hair, around the same length as mine. She has pretty blue eyes – he always liked my eyes. She even dresses fairly funky; not the same as me, nut unique nevertheless. How does it make sense that he is basically dating my replica?
Pffft. Whatever.
So I guess I answered my own theory here – I’m still not over him. Not completely anyway.
I haven’t had sex in two weeks. Two weeks and two days. I am a very frustrated little bunny. I’m basically a walking hard on. That’s what I am – the female version of a walking erection.
I’m used to going without sex for weeks at a time. I don’t like it but I’m used to it. So what the hell is up with me now? Is my situation with One Ball making me like this? I’m literally throbbing from morning ‘til night, and most of the night too if my panties were anything to go by this morning. I have a feeling that I was jerking off in my sleep again last night. Soaking wet panties and fingers that smelled just like me gave the game away.
I’m a horn-dog by nature anyway; I never turn down sex, and I’d stay in bed all day fucking if I could. This is something completely else though – I am constantly thinking about sex. I woke up this morning and jerked off. I got to work and jerked off in the toilets at lunch time. I came home, smoked a joint and jerked off. Then I jerked off again an hour or so later. Just five minutes ago, I did it again. This is a bit much, even by my standards.
There seems to be sex everywhere I look right now. It’s like Nature’s little way of reminding me how much sex I’m NOT getting, even though I am in a “stable” relationship now. Fuck! I was having more sex when I considered myself to be single. At work today, a superbly hot guy came in and was served by my co-worker. And by hot I mean HOT! He had this super sexy smile with these perfectly straight, white teeth. And floppy hair that was pushed over to one side. He had a long black coat on with a grey scarf. I remember every little bit about him. As soon as it was quiet enough, I ran for my lunch and quickly snuck to the toilets.
I got home from work and put on an episode of Sons of Anarchy – I’m obsessed with this TV show at the moment. Guess what – plenty of sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll going on there too. Clearly this called for another wank.
It’s like everywhere I go and everything I see makes me horny. I don’t think I’ve ever been like this. I can’t figure out what’s making me like this! If it goes on any longer, I think it’s clinically going to be classed as a problem. Needing sex soon!
- Sex in the rain
- I want him to eat chocolate buttons off my body
- Champagne sex
- Me tied up and blindfolded. Him with a riding crop in his hand. The scene – Fifty Shades of Grey
- I wear red lipstick and kiss him all over his body. It’s like I’m stamping him as my own. For some reason, that makes me incredibly hot.
- Sex with my heels on. Maybe my Louboutins. I don’t know yet if he’s worth fucking all over the shoes the Big Love bought me. Time will tell. If not, I have a whole range of hot heels I can pick from.
- Angry sex in the bathroom. This stemmed from a scene out of Sons of Anarchy that got me hot and bothered. We have a fight. I storm into the ladies washroom. A few minutes later, he follows. I push him. He shoves me. We start kissing… Oh man!
- I want him to make me squirt all over his face. Gulp.
- I want him to fuck me in the ass. And I want it to be amazing.
- I want us to go shopping with my love egg in and him controlling the remote.
I think they are doable. I also think they are fucking hot. I started with a few easy ones. I don’t want to scare One Ball away just yet.
Now for the BIG prize – our naughty night in with another lady. I tried to start a sexy conversation about this and it didn’t go quite to plan. I asked what he would want her to look like and what she would wear. He responded with he didn’t know because all he could think about was me eating another girl out while he was fucking me from behind. Not a bad answer. That worked for me. I told him that I had an image in my head that I was going down on another girl that was topless, white garter belt on, stockings still on, panties used to tie her hands above her head. He made a joke of this and said it sounded like we were kidnapping a bride. This was not the answer I had expected. I turned it around, however, and told him that I didn’t know what I wanted more. It was either an innocent, virginal girl that we tie up and abuse together or a hot redhead that abused me in every which way imaginable. This was bound to get him going. I know he likes it when the girl is dominant, and he prefers a brunette. I don’t know why he’s with me – I’m a blonde. This didn’t get him going. Well, if it did, he sure as hell didn’t tell me. He responded with something along the lines of – well you have plenty of time to sort all that out. Doesn’t he know how much planning it takes to get something like this just right? You don’t just get drunk, pick up a girl and have your wicked way with her. Well, I suppose it could be like that. It was like that with me and my foursome in the garden shed when I was younger.
No, no, no gentlemen! The threesome with another woman does not work like that. Not when you are in your late twenties anyway. Certainly not for me. I bring you to the Fucking Politics:
I need to find a girl that I would have a threesome with. She can’t be skinnier than me. She can’t be prettier than me. Her tits can’t be as big as mine. She can’t be blonde. She can’t have more tattoos than me. I have three. Or piercings. I have 14… I think. They can’t fuck. They can do anything apart from fucking. If he can’t watch me fuck another man, which he has made perfectly clear, I don’t have to watch him fucking another woman. This has been agreed. We have to have a few drinks first. There’s no way I’m going to be as brave as I was when I was younger. I need to have a few drinks in me before this happens. I think it would loosen everyone up. We can’t have eaten beforehand as I don’t want to feel bloated, and I certainly don’t want to need to do a number two right in the middle of it. C’mon ladies – there’s always a risk with sex after dinner. She has to go down on me. I have to do down on her. We have to make each other cum. I want us both to suck his hard cock; gently fighting over it. I want to suck his cock while she licks his balls, and at the same time plays with my nipples. I want him to fuck me from behind while I go down on her. I want her to slide under me when he is fucking from behind and lap me with her tongue. I want to feel her lips on my clit. I miss the feel of a woman.
Wow. That escalated quickly.
I wish I could say that to him, but recently our sexual conversations have been awkward. I don’t think he’s quite got the hang of text sex yet. He’ll get there. So now I am incredibly horny, and no amount of using my new rabbit is making anything any better. And the next time I get to see him, we won’t be able to fuck because he will be recovering after “The Snip” This situation does not bode well for me or my vagina. I have jerked off four times today, and as I sit here writing this, my vagina is literally throbbing, aching for me to get myself off again. I have the female equivalent of Blue Balls for sure.
So as I end this blog, you guys can be happy with the knowledge that the second I finished uploading this post, my panties will be down and my rabbit raring to go, bringing me to a satisfying climax that I wish I could share with you guys. And despite that, my pussy still longs for a hard, beautiful cock.
Sincerely, Frustrated.
P.S. We still haven’t said the “L”word!
I have a few things that I want to get off my chest. Firstly, I don’t talk about the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, and I believe that he deserves a bigger part in my blog. He certainly consumes a bigger part of my life than I lead you to believe. He’s been my best friend for over ten years now. We had the same circle of friends, and I actually think the first time we met, we both thought it might just be a casual hook-up. We made out for a while under the stars outside the pub that night, but we didn’t sleep together. From there, we found a beautiful friendship. I love him with every part of me. I don’t love him like a brother, or a boyfriend, or a relative. I love him like I love him, and that’s just that. I have left this guy behind, for all the various men in my life, more times than I care to remember, and I really do hope that I don’t have to leave him again. My life seems to fall apart and me along with it when the Bestie is not in it. Hey, that rhymed!
We’ve had a few questionable nights – nights we have been drunk and heavy/hardcore made out. There was one night, two years ago by the river, in his car that something was going to happen for sure. There was a second between kisses as were trying to rip of each others clothes off, that we both looked up and realized what we doing. Let’s just say we backed down pretty quick, and went our separate ways. There have been a couple of nights similar to that, but that was the closest we had ever gotten I think. The Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With is a massive part of my life, and even when I’m mad at him, I’m not really mad at him. He’s seen me at my best and my worst, rich and poor, happy and sad. He still loves me. And he keeps all my secrets. People tell us that one day we will end up together, and although that thought pops into my head sometimes when the Bestie and I are doing something funny or cute, I don’t think it’s ever going to be that way for us. Maybe we will. Maybe we won’t. He’s my Bestie and I love him.
**********
Secondly, I stalked Big Love again. Just the once. And his girlfriend, Miss. A. is actually really fat. Score!
Thirdly, I really do think I have a crush on my new manager at work. It’s still only a little one. He popped into my head while I was masturbating earlier. It was pretty hot. I’m not sure what’s up with that… he’s not even hot!?!?!
Fourthly, I’m scared to have Skype sex with my boyfriend. It’s been hinted at for the past few days, and he asked me earlier on today – “Do you want to have Skype sex later on?” I made a joke out of it, of course; that’s what I do in situations I’m uncomfortable with. This seems like a lot of work right now. I’m going to have to shave. I’m going to need to pull a sexy little lingerie set out of my box of tricks to make it look like I walk around like that all the time. I’m going to need to do my hair. And my makeup. And then I’m going to have to fake it on Skype to him, because we all know I’m going to get stage fright and not be able to cum as it will be our first time. When did I turn into such a pussy? I Skype-sexed with the Big Love all the time. I might just go out. We’ll deal with this another time.
And one more thing – I have planned for my next weekend to go up the country and see said boyfriend for the second week in January. He is going in for “the snip” two days before I am due to go up there, and neither of us realized this until last night. Fuuuuuck. I don’t even have a Nurse’s outfit. He asked me if I would still go up there even if we couldn’t have sex. I know the right answer to that question; that’s the answer I gave him. Ladies and gentlebugs – I am travelling two and a half hours up the country for a fucking cuddle. I must be bonkers. My vagina is screaming out for a good fucking, and it’s going to get a half hearted lick and a poke because every time he touches me, he’s going to get a boner and this will hurt his bruised balls. This does not sound like my idea of fun. Neither does playing his damn nurse maid. That’s not exactly my style. Begrudgingly, I’m going up there. But it’s only because I “L” word him.
By the way, it still hasn’t been said. Pffft.
I have “L” word tourettes. I have wanted to say the “L” word to One Ball every moment of every day for the last few days. It’s all I can think about. He’s all I can think about. And…. I think he feels the same.
We have had a couple of conversations about this over the past few days. Well, in a round-a-bout sort of way, anyway. We send love hearts in our text messages and we were mucking around, sending various colored hearts, when he sent the words
“One Ball (big pink heart) Notsosexinthecity”
Insert real names here, of course.
It flashed up on my radar but to him I said nothing. I didn’t react. To the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, I was freaking out. I know I have been having these little moments to myself where I think about saying those three magical little words, but I wasn’t prepared for him to start bringing it up. I ignored the message, which he picked up on later on. I told him that I had been getting ready to go out, and he said that he was worried that he had gone too far and didn’t realize what he had sent. I told him I didn’t even think about it. A few texts later I asked him if it was something that we should be thinking about, to which he replied “I don’t know, let’s talk about it later?”
Later came, and we were joking around when I said something along the lines of “You are smitten!” followed by a tongue-hanging-out face. He sent me a screen shot of a dictionary definition of smitten saying “very much in love”
Was this his way of telling me that he “L” word’s me?
I told him that I wasn’t ready for this milestone within our relationship (to grasp if we were on the “same page”) and he told me that I should make a decision about what smitten really meant. I think he’s trying to encourage me to say it. I told him that I had so many things in my head, but I didn’t know how to get them out. Then I said the one sentence I knew I had to say –
“I’m so scared you’re going to break my heart”
The Bestie I’ve never had a dalliance with knew I was THERE already. He said he knew it when I forgave him for the two massive lies and then the whole looking-for-my-blog debacle. He thinks I’m a fool for forgiving him, and for getting with someone in his line of work again (they have a reputation). He’s looking out for me and I know this, but he seems dead set against me being with One Ball. It’s starting to worry me a bit. Is he right? Am I fool for letting myself feel this way over One Ball?
The one thing I do know is that I want to say the “L” word so badly; I’m scared it’s going to blurt out somewhere completely inappropriate. Every time I hang up the phone, I’m scared I’m going to say it. Every night before bed, I’m scared it’ll come out in the “good night” text message. It’s right there on the tip of my tongue yet still, I’m not so sure. I think he feels the same as me. In fact, I think he’s waiting for me to say it first. I just don’t understand how this has happened so quickly. And man, it has been quick! It was only a few weeks ago that I was still completely besotted with the Big Love, and now I can’t get One Ball out of my mind. We are on the phone every night and sometimes during our breaks in the day too. We text constantly – every second we are awake. He sent me an actual photo of the two of us that we took the weekend I went up there. He didn’t email it, text it or Facebook it to me – he actually Snail Mailed it to me with a tiny note that just said – “Miss you xx”
What do I do folks? Do I bite the bullet and get it out there, or should I keep those three little words to myself? Am I freaking out about being in a serious relationship again, or am I right to not be sure about One Ball? I don’t think I’m ready for all of this yet. I’m still too fragile; too broken. You know what they say though – life is too short to be scared. I’m the girl that jumps into things head first without thinking of the consequences – what the fuck is holding me back now? I know what might make me feel better. How about I say it here?
One Ball, I love you.
Sooooo putting aside the drama with One Ball for a minute, something truly fabulous has happened in my life. When the Big Love and I were together, he had a best friend that we shall call Mr. C. Mr. C was with a girl called Miss. N, and they got engaged. Recently, they got married in the sun. There are photos on various Facebook pages – my Bestie On The Other Side of the World sent me a couple shots. Miss. N looked beautiful on her wedding day, and they looked very happy. I had a mini stalking session, and came across some photos that Big Love had put up. Turns out his girlfriend is less than beautiful in a bikini. Now I’m not saying that I’d look any good in one, but the fact that the photo clearly shows ACTUAL squelching back fat has made me day. No, my week.
Towards the end, Big Love knew he was too good for me. He really was a beautiful man. He always told me that he could have any girl he wanted, and was doing in those final phases of make-up/break-up. I had imagined him with every beautiful girl we had come across. For him to bitch about my weight for so long, and the way I looked, and then run into the arms of his girlfriend, who we shall now name Miss. A. I had wanted to call her The Bitch from Hell for so long, but to be fair, it’s not her fault, and he is going to destroy her as well. Maybe he already is? She actually looks like a lovely girl. However, Miss. A isn’t the skinniest girl in the world, nor is she the prettiest, but man she had better have a great personality to keep the hyper-sensitive Big Love gagging for more! Or give better blowjobs than me, but I’m pretty good so I choose to ignore that thought.
I don’t get it, guys and gals; she is clearly punching well above her weight.
Aside from my bitchy, un-called for response to Miss. A’s bikini shot, what else has been happening in my life? Well, I’m still pissed at One Ball. And I’m making sure he knows it. And I think I have a crush on my new manager at work. Just a little one. Perhaps not even one to write home about.
I do miss One Ball. And I am finding myself messaging him, and then having to remind him that I’m pissed at him because I forgot myself. I’m calling myself mad as I say this, but I think I’m going to give him another chance. I think I may be in too far to just call it a day and not really care, but at the same time, I am too soon into it to be forgiving him for massive mistakes already. First there was the lie about the kids, and then the different Mothers, and now he has gone looking for my blog. That’s kind of a lot of stuff, right? Even as I say the words “I’m giving him another chance” every ounce of common sense in my head is yelling at me to run in the opposite direction. The thing that worries me the most is that this feels familiar. This is comfortable. I am so used to not feeling secure in a relationship that doubt and questioning has become the norm. I secretly love the mini-dramas, but hate them at the same time. I really am a masochist.
He really is trying to make it up to me, I think. He keeps sending me these cute little pictures, like this one:
He also keeps telling me what him and his kids are getting up to. It’s cute. He’s walking on egg shells around me, and if I’m honest, it’s pissing me off. He told me earlier that he thought I was too good for him, and says he wants to make it up to me at every possible opportunity. I can’t figure out if he is playing a game, or he really is a good guy that has made a few mistakes. It has jumped right on to my radar though – he’s showing enough of a badass side, with the lies and the going behind my back, to keep me really interested. I have been so angry for the past two days, and all I can think about is riding him, holding my hand around his throat, scratching him up…. I really do lust after a bad boy. I’m so predictable. Whatever. I’ve guessed that you have all pretty much guessed that I am deciding to carry on with my blog as normal after I got “outed.” He has promised he won’t read this and I’m taking his word for it. If he doesn’t like it, he can just not read it! This is my private little space and I’m not giving it up (or you guys!) for the world.
P.S. I still love him a little bit.
My worst nightmare has come true. Someone has found my blog. That someone is One Ball. This either means the end of us, or the end of this.
After telling me that he would respect my privacy and not look for this, he was bored at work today and typed a few clever words into Google, which inevitably bought this damn blog up. That magical combination of words was something along the lines of running into a bathroom door and One Ball. He told me he had found it. Well actually what he said was “I’m a prick. I typed in these words into Google and halfway down the page, your blog came up.” I promptly replied “How could you?” He promised me he wouldn’t go looking for this blog, and as much as I can, I have covered my tracks. I knew I shouldn’t have used One Ball as his nickname; it’s his nickname amongst his work buddies. However – what were the chances of him finding it by looking for “One Ball” alone?!?!
I’m freaking out. He’s going to see things about me that no one ever gets a chance to see. He’s going to see my complete sexual past, and my obsession with the Big Love, the cutting myself, the depression. He has promised me that he won’t read it. Apparently, he didn’t think he was going to find anything, and when he did, he cleared his history straight away and came out of his web browser. I had debated on writing this post, just in case he DOES decide to read it. I’m undecided as to whether or not I believe him. After all, why would he have gone looking for it if he had no intentions of reading it? However, this is MY blog – my personal thoughts and opinions, experiences and disasters. If anyone doesn’t like what they read when they find it, they shouldn’t have gone looking for it in the first place!
I am avoiding texting him back. Apparently he has just crashed a trailer into a car, and smoked a cigarette which tasted gross. He’s a non-smoker. Why is he suddenly all over the place? Has he read it? Is he worried about my reaction to knowing he has found it? Why? We were going so beautifully! Why did he have to fuck it up like this? I’m actually at a loss for words. I’m heartbroken that he would destroy my trust like this. He says he hasn’t clicked on my blog, and he deleted the history and cleared the web browser but the “Stats” part of the blog clearly shows me that one view came from that one phrase he searched into Google – it shows me that he has at least clicked on my blog. How much has he read? Why did he tell me he didn’t click on it? I feel like screaming right now. I have covered my ass as best as I can to make sure that no one could find this and with one simple Google search, everything has been ripped apart. Now how do I go forward? Am I going to be able to write as honestly as I would want to, knowing that at least one person that knows me, knows that this is my blog? Does this mean the end of the blog? I don’t know how I would ever be able to give it up – it has been my journal, my counselor, and my best friend at times. I write things here that I would never be able to tell another person, at least not face to face. Does he even know the magnitude of what he has done? I have spent hours on this, putting down in writing everything that has been going on in my head. Now it feels so violated; as though he has been able to crawl in my head and read my thoughts. I’m so sad that he went looking for it, and even more sad that this now will have to mean the end of us.
Whether or not he does read it, he has betrayed my trust. And if you are reading this now One Ball, I hope you are happy. I’m avoiding talking to you now, but you should know the names I’m calling you inside my head. I was happy with you, and I had REAL feelings for you. And you have betrayed me. You should never have gone looking for this. You told me that you wouldn’t go hunting. You promised me that. And now you have destroyed something that potentially could have been so good.
Was it worth it?
Not So Sex in My City! 