So…. Ladies & Gentlemen, after a bit of huffing and puffing and some figuring out, the lovely guys over at WordPress have un-suspended my first blog – Not So Sex in the City which means I will be continuing the party over there!
I’d love it if you guys could continue to show me your love back at the old blog – my first baby š You can find the link here – Not So Sex in the City!
You can also follow me on Facebook & Twitter and now even Pinterest to find out what’s going on in my life!
As always – love you all! Thanks for your following š
Not So Sex in the City xoxoxox
Fuck Iāve been dying to update my blog for ages, and I apologize ladies and gentlemen but I have had company! (If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter youāll know!)
So, One Ball (or OB as I shall call him from now on to make things simpler) has been staying with me. He came down on the 2nd of January and left today. As much as I am enjoying the time to myself once again, I fucking miss him already and I only said goodbye to him 10 hours ago. Now to fill you in on whatās been happening for the last few daysā¦.
I donāt even know where to begin!
So, with him he bought the Electro-Sex Controller and Pads ā Sextreme. Holy fucking cow! We started off by trying them on my nipples. Then we moved them down to my groin. Not my actual vagina, of course; neither of us were brave enough to give that a go just yet. Letās just say that they made me very wet. Incredibly wet. I donāt even know how they got me that wet but they sure do fucking work! And for those that still arenāt sure ā they arenāt as scary as you think they are and you should most definitely give them a shot!
We have had so much sex the past few days that I donāt even know where to begin. We even made love. I have wanted to say The āLā Word about a thousand times to him over the past few days but I still havenāt found the balls to actually say it. Yesterday, for example, we went walking to an old castle and beach near to where I lived. We walked for ages and took photos ā me with my new SLR camera and him with my old one. I love photography you see but Iām not every good at it because I donāt use my cameras half as much as I should. Especially not when the camera on the iPhone is so good! Anyway, we walked, talked, held hands, kissed, took cute photos, played around, went to a pub and then went out for dinner in a nice restaurant. Then…. HE INTRODUCED ME TO HIS MOTHER AND SISTER!
He has been saying for ages that he didnāt want me to meet them yet, but somehow he changed his mind and apparently, they love me. This comes as quite the surprise for me as most Mothersā of my boyfriends usually detest me with a passion. Apparently Iām a horrible person.
He let me pick out clothes for him when we went shopping. We went to the barbers and he let me pick his new haircut. He really is my newest Ken-doll! I loved it! He seemed to love it too which of course, made me ecstatic. Iām thinking of getting him a cute Tee that says something along the lines of āMy girlfriend picked this out for meāĀ ā what do you think? š
I donāt even know how to explain the last few days. It has been naughty and nice, all at the same time. Itās been a weird combination but one I sure do fucking adore! Last night, he asked to watch Nine and a Half Weeks as he knows that film turns me on immensely. We barely got five minutes into it before my remote controlled love egg was lubed up and shoved into my soaking wet pussy; his fingers gently caressing my clit and his mouth around my nipples at the same time. It was heaven.
Remember that aching muscle feeling I spoke about in āWarning! Explicit Content!ā with My Mr. Grey? Well I have that now. I have climaxed so much over the past few days, I donāt even know if I could take anymore. Well actually I could and the reason I know this is because I jerked off just an hour ago! All those memories of OB. Sigh….. š
One night he took my panties off r-e-a-l-l-y slowly, massaging my clit as he did so. The next minute, he was shoving my own panties into my pussy, forcefully biting my neck at the same time. I didnāt see it coming at all ā he sure does keep me on my toes! It was amazing ā everything I wished every other guy had done, he did. He played with my nipples for hours. He gently caressed my clit for what felt like forever. He went down on me and I SQUIRTED ALL OVER HIS FACE! I decided that it was time! Fuck it! He wants it; let him have it! He said that mouthful was the sweetest thing he had ever tasted and I melted in his arms right there and then.
He doesnāt care that I smoke weed. In fact, he loves how āsnuglyā I get when I am high. He sat on the bed watching episodes of The Big Bang Theory while I did my Freelance writing. He also hung out with my family members while I had to go to work. This guy is positively perfect. There were stages where he got clingy and I thought I couldnāt handle it, but I soon got over it. Heās in training after all ā Iāll teach him when enough is enough.
I slept all night in his arms for 4 nights in a row and I didnāt hate it. We even managed morning sex once. One of those nights we didnāt even have sex; we just cuddled all night until we eventually fell asleep. I canāt keep up with him ā heās sexy then he is cute, aggressive then sweet, hot and then cold. He keeps me on my toes and keeps me guessing and I couldnāt ask for anything more.
The good thing about our long distance relationship is the fact that when we do see each other, we appreciate it a whole load more. And we have the most amazing sex Iāve ever had in my life. He came in my mouth. We didnāt manage it from head yet, but I got him āthereā and then he finished himself off into my mouth. He even made a video of me sucking his cock ā something to remind him of how good my mouth feels when he is back up the road, alone in his room. The noise he makes when he comes into my mouth, mixed with the way that his legs go rigid and his toes curl up ā HOT!!! I am starting to think we are very well suited for each other indeed.
Iām starting to think that we really could be the real deal, you know. The sex is mind-blowing and I know there is nothing I could mention that he would turn his nose up at. Heās never tried anything with regards to his ass, but I think heās even coming around to that. I have warned him ā at some point during our relationship there is a good chance that my fingers/tongue/toys will end up in his ass and he is going to love it. I think heās slowly coming around to the idea. He shoved his finger up my ass this weekend, but we didnāt go as far as full anal. Iām holding that one back for a while ā I learned my lesson by doing it too early with The Guy I Couldnāt Get Rid Of.
I have come to the conclusion that OB makes me very wet. Iām sure Iāve never been this wet with any other guy I have slept with, at least not that I remember. He makes such a big deal about it as well ā it turns him on a great deal and he makes no attempt to hide that. The way he whispers āYou feel so fucking good!ā into my ear while Iām slowly lifting myself up and down on his cock drives me crazy. He gets so hard and so big that it feels amazing inside of me, and we found a new āthingā that we both love. His cock is not inside me, but I slide my soaking wet pussy up and down the length of it, straddling him. Itās my way of teasing both of us at the same time, and it drives us crazy. He bit my shoulder when I did this and as I look down; I can still see the outline of his teeth. I destroyed his soft skin too ā his shoulders are covered with my bite marks and his back is covered with my scratches. He loves it when I bite him, which is odd because every other guy before him has hated it. It is something I have trained myself not to do and my orgasm seems to hit so much harder when I am allowed to sink my teeth right into his shoulders as he is pounding deep into me.
Oh, did I mention we measured his cock? He seems to think that he is pretty average. Pfffft. Average is most definitely not over 7 inches long and 5.5 inches around. Thatās not average at all; thatās my perfect penis. Minus the foreskin of course, but Iām getting used to it again.
I did have a few moments of pure paranoia while he was down. He had promised not to read my blog when I had been āoutedā but the search term āNot So Sex in the City!ā was used and lead a British viewer to my blog. Of course my mind went into overdrive ā it just so happened to be at the same time that he went to see his best boy-pal, Mr. P. (I have met Mr. P. once, briefly at work. Heās pretty hot!) Anyway, for a split second I freaked out and thought that maybe OB had told Mr. P. about my blog to encourage him to read it. The next morning I said to OB that although he had promised not to read my blog, he couldnāt get someone else to read it instead ā that would still be against my rules. He promised he wouldnāt. I guess time will tell.
Anyway, in conclusion I have had a pretty fucking awesome few days and I canāt wait until the first weekend in February when I can go and see my boy-toy once again. I am travelling to his end of the country again next time ā I crave the mini adventure and getting lost in the Big City again! Ā If I had any doubt in my mind before, I definitely donāt now. I love him. Very much. Now all I need to do is tell him. If only it was as easy to say that to him as it was to squirt all over his face….
My New Yearās resolutions for December 31st, 2011 were to give up smoking. It was also to avoid falling in love with the following people ā drug addicts, compulsive liars, cheaters, wife beaters, emotional fuck ups, attention seekers and general fucktards. The reason I know this is because I posted a Facebook status that said something along the same lines. I also said that I wouldnāt buy so many pairs of shoes.
As I look back and reflect over the last year, I realize how much of a rollercoaster I have been through. I lost what I thought was the love of my life to a drug problem. He may not have died, but we sure did. I moved from one side of the world to the other. I slept with 7 different boys. 4 of those were boys Iād never slept with before. I have been in two ārealā relationships and one āsort ofā relationship. I have fallen in love (again) once. I think. I have gotten a new job. I have lost 60 pounds in weight. Iāve put a few of those back on again. Iāll start the diet again in the New Year.
I wanted 2012 to be a good year. I thought it was the new start that the Big Love and I so desperately needed. Turns out it wasnāt.
I failed at a lot of things in 2012. I DID give up smoking again like I wanted, but I started up again so I donāt think it really counts. As far as Iām aware, I havenāt fallen in love with a drug addict, cheater, wife beater, emotional fuck up, attention seeker or general fucktard. The compulsive liar bit is debatable. Letās be honest; One Ball has been a bit of a twat.
Iāve gained a few people in my life ā those that I work with and some new friends. I have also lost a few ā The Lapdog is a definite loss. My Mr. Grey seems to have disappeared off the scene again. To be fair, I wasnāt exactly as responsive as I probably should have been, especially when One Ball came along. I lost the Big Love of course. I also lost half of the people that I once considered to be friends on the other side of the world. I knew that would happen though ā you promise to keep in touch but even with modern technology, you still donāt as much as you should.
According to my Facebook page, I added 75 new friends in 2012. I wonder how many of those people I would actually consider to be friends. Or how many I still am friends with today.
Facebook also reminds me, in my review of 2012 that it offers, that I was far too drunk and went to too many bad clubs when I first came home. I spent some time on the beach during the poorest summer ever. I dyed my hair so many times that Iām surprised it hasnāt fallen out yet. I went to a couple of Anniversary parties, a few birthday parties and more than my fair share of festive drinks. I was in a relationship for a brief spell of time. I also wore some pretty colourful outfitsā¦. Cheers Facebook! What you have basically reminded me is that this year I have mostly been single, drunk and in outfits that Iām sure were a great idea at the time. It makes me feel like Iāve done sweet bugger all with my year.
I wanted to think of 2012 as my new beginning, but in reality all I did was rewind. I have ended up right back where I started 7 years ago, before all of my adventures began. And what a few years it has been. I got married, moved and lived in three different countries, on three different continents. I travelled. I have found love and lost love, separated from the hubby, started 6 new jobs, ālivedā in 7 new places, slept with too many people, broke too many hearts and lost too many friends. Iāve made great memories though, and although Iād love to see the back of this crappy fucking year, I canāt snub the fun and laughter I have had along the way. The nights out with the sister who is now legally allowed to drink with me. The movies I went to see high in the cinema with the Bestie Iāve Never Had a Dalliance With. The crazy fuck fest weekend I had with My Mr. Grey. The awesome weekend I spent with One Ball. The bad sex with the drunk guy. The nights I spent partying with the Lapdog, high on MDMA. New memories, new people, new placesā¦.
So I start 2013 on a new chapter. This year WILL be my year. Iām not going to make New Yearās resolutions, as such, but I am going to make goals to meet before 2013 is out:
I want to give up smoking. Again.
I want to progress within my job.
I want to see where things go with One Ball and hope not to get a broken heart at the end of it.
I want to find a new little home to call my own rather than living with family.
I want to go to a country that I have never been to before.
I want to go back to the other side of the world to see the people I left behind.
I want to get completely, truly, definitely over the Big Love.
I want to make mistakes and cry some tears, make new happy memories and travel around my home country that I feel has been somewhat overlooked.
I want to get drunk, occasionally take some drugs and have some good nights out.
I want to get to my goal weight of 145 pounds.
When all is said and done, I just want to be happy. Ā So here is my goodbye to 2012 and my hello to 2013 ā BRING IT ON!
Happy New Year guys! Thanks for spending 2012 with me ā my tears, my laughter, my sex and my fears. I love you all. And I hope 2013 is your year too xoxoxoxo Ā Follow me on Facebook & Twitter for more updates!
āYouāre the worst kind of woman. When a woman like you wants something she always gets it, no matter what she has to do to fucking get him there!ā
Do you think you could score your last breakup? Was it more painful Adele than get-over-him Taylor Swift?
Today I am in a very weird place. In fact Iāve been in a weird place for a few days now. I havenāt really had anything to write. Or maybe I did and just didnāt know where to start?
Two days before Christmas. This should be a time of cheer and I donāt see myself cheering. Iāve worked so many hours at work and run around after the family so much, as well as my freelance writing to afford Christmas as my pay hasnāt been right for the last few times, that Iāve forgotten about Christmas altogether. Itās 9:34pm on Christmas Eve-Eve and I still havenāt wrapped anything. In fact, I still havenāt bought everything I wanted to buy for people Still I work better under pressure so hopefully a last minute dash for it on Christmas Eve itself will prove fruitful.
I havenāt really thought about the Big Love much recently which lead me to think that I was starting to get over him. I also found this very interesting article on 26 Milestones to Pass after a breakup which I decided to test myself on.
According to the article, there are 26 milestones that you have to pass in order to be over someone. Clearly Iām not going to work my way through them all, firstly because some of them are unnecessary, and secondly because we will be here forever. And no-one has time for that right now.
*The first milestone is not instantly thinking about him when you wake up in the morning. Well, Iāve not done that in a while now.
*Number seven was when you deleted his number from your phone. Well I havenāt done that yet. I have recently discovered that he no longer has an iPhone now which makes me sad. I felt comfort in the fact that he was just an iMessage away and now heās not. I have restored the phone so none of his messages are on there anymore. Thatās got to be progress, right?
*When you de-friend him on Facebook and un-follow him on Twitter was milestone number 8. I deleted him from my Facebook before I even left the other side of the world, and he never had Twitter anyway.
*Number nine was when you stop asking mutual friends to keep you updated. Well Iāve never really done that either ā I stalked his Facebook more than a few times because he has everything public (TWAT) and it was easy. I blocked him a few times, but also unblocked him. Funnily enough, almost every time I have unblocked him I have had a message from him within a few days.
*When you find a spare pair of his socks and donāt crumble is number 10. I threw most of his things away when I came back to this side of the world. He did have a whole bunch of stuff here that he left when we were this side together. There were a couple of things I kept though. I still have a pair of his shorts. They are comfy. I also have a t-shirt of his which, funnily enough, he had never even worn. I also have one of his t-shirts that made up his uniform in the war zone where we met. These arenāt things I crumble over however; they are just memories from our time together. Is that the same thing?
*Number 12 was flirting with a new man because you actually want to, not just to prove that you still can after all this time. Well there have been a few guys since Big Love. One Ball is the closest Iāve gotten to feeling something even closely resembling emotional attachment to someone so Iām going to check this milestone box.
*Number 20 was when you are getting undressed at night or getting ready for something and you realize that what you are putting on or taking off was something he bought you. There are still certain garments of clothing that bring a lump to my throat ā that red dress for his work Christmas party, the Louboutinās he bought me for my birthday and the hoodie that he bought me in the war zone. He never really bought me clothes so I donāt even know if this milestone applies to me.
*The first major holiday you manage to get through on your own. Well I guess in two days we will know the answer to this one. I know this Christmas canāt suck half as much as what the last one did.
*When you genuinely realize that you donāt want him anymore. Iām stuck with this milestone. I KNOW I donāt want to be with him anymore and I know it would never work if we were to get back together. It doesnāt stop me pining for him though. It doesnāt stop my heart from hurting.
*When you are genuinely happy about him and his girlfriend. Well remember in one of my last posts I said she looked fat in one of the Facebook pictures? Well, thereās another picture and she is definitely a bigger girl. Bigger than I ever got and I did put on some serious weight towards the end, before I lost it all in one go. He told me he couldnāt be with a bigger girl ever again. He also said that my weight was one of the biggest things he didnāt like about me. How the fucking hell does it make sense that he is with a big girl now? Everything he said he didnāt like about me, heās basically found in her. She looks similar to me ā sheās curvy but bigger than I got. She has blonde hair, around the same length as mine. She has pretty blue eyes ā he always liked my eyes. She even dresses fairly funky; not the same as me, nut unique nevertheless. How does it make sense that he is basically dating my replica?
Pffft. Whatever.
So I guess I answered my own theory here ā Iām still not over him. Not completely anyway.
I havenāt had sex in two weeks. Two weeks and two days. I am a very frustrated little bunny. Iām basically a walking hard on. Thatās what I am ā the female version of a walking erection. Ā
Iām used to going without sex for weeks at a time. I donāt like it but Iām used to it. So what the hell is up with me now? Is my situation with One Ball making me like this? Iām literally throbbing from morning ātil night, and most of the night too if my panties were anything to go by this morning. I have a feeling that I was jerking off in my sleep again last night. Soaking wet panties and fingers that smelled just like me gave the game away.
Iām a horn-dog by nature anyway; I never turn down sex, and Iād stay in bed all day fucking if I could. This is something completely else though ā I am constantly thinking about sex. I woke up this morning and jerked off. I got to work and jerked off in the toilets at lunch time. I came home, smoked a joint and jerked off. Then I jerked off again an hour or so later. Just five minutes ago, I did it again. This is a bit much, even by my standards.
There seems to be sex everywhere I look right now. Itās like Natureās little way of reminding me how much sex Iām NOT getting, even though I am in a āstableā relationship now. Fuck! I was having more sex when I considered myself to be single. At work today, a superbly hot guy came in and was served by my co-worker. And by hot I mean HOT! He had this super sexy smile with these perfectly straight, white teeth. And floppy hair that was pushed over to one side. He had a long black coat on with a grey scarf. I remember every little bit about him. As soon as it was quiet enough, I ran for my lunch and quickly snuck to the toilets.
I got home from work and put on an episode of Sons of Anarchy ā Iām obsessed with this TV show at the moment. Guess what ā plenty of sex, drugs, rock ān roll going on there too. Clearly this called for another wank.
Itās like everywhere I go and everything I see makes me horny. I donāt think Iāve ever been like this. I canāt figure out whatās making me like this! If it goes on any longer, I think itās clinically going to be classed as a problem. Ā Needing sex soon!
- Sex in the rain
- I want him to eat chocolate buttons off my body
- Champagne sex
- Me tied up and blindfolded. Him with a riding crop in his hand. The scene ā Fifty Shades of Grey
- I wear red lipstick and kiss him all over his body. Itās like Iām stamping him as my own. For some reason, that makes me incredibly hot.
- Sex with my heels on. Maybe my Louboutins. I donāt know yet if heās worth fucking all over the shoes the Big Love bought me. Time will tell. If not, I have a whole range of hot heels I can pick from.
- Angry sex in the bathroom. This stemmed from a scene out of Sons of Anarchy that got me hot and bothered. We have a fight. I storm into the ladies washroom. A few minutes later, he follows. I push him. He shoves me. We start kissingā¦ Oh man!
- I want him to make me squirt all over his face. Gulp.
- I want him to fuck me in the ass. And I want it to be amazing.
- I want us to go shopping with my love egg in and him controlling the remote.
I think they are doable. I also think they are fucking hot. I started with a few easy ones. I donāt want to scare One Ball away just yet.
Now for the BIG prize ā our naughty night in with another lady. I tried to start a sexy conversation about this and it didnāt go quite to plan. I asked what he would want her to look like and what she would wear. He responded with he didnāt know because all he could think about was me eating another girl out while he was fucking me from behind. Not a bad answer. That worked for me. I told him that I had an image in my head that I was going down on another girl that was topless, white garter belt on, stockings still on, panties used to tie her hands above her head. He made a joke of this and said it sounded like we were kidnapping a bride. This was not the answer I had expected. I turned it around, however, and told him that I didnāt know what I wanted more. It was either an innocent, virginal girl that we tie up and abuse together or a hot redhead that abused me in every which way imaginable. This was bound to get him going. I know he likes it when the girl is dominant, and he prefers a brunette. I donāt know why heās with me ā Iām a blonde. Ā This didnāt get him going. Well, if it did, he sure as hell didnāt tell me. He responded with something along the lines of ā well you have plenty of time to sort all that out. Ā Doesnāt he know how much planning it takes to get something like this just right? You donāt just get drunk, pick up a girl and have your wicked way with her. Well, I suppose it could be like that. It was like that with me and my foursome in the garden shed when I was younger.
No, no, no gentlemen! The threesome with another woman does not work like that. Not when you are in your late twenties anyway. Certainly not for me. I bring you to the Fucking Politics:
I need to find a girl that I would have a threesome with. She canāt be skinnier than me. She canāt be prettier than me. Her tits canāt be as big as mine. She canāt be blonde. She canāt have more tattoos than me. I have three. Or piercings. I have 14ā¦ I think. Ā They canāt fuck. They can do anything apart from fucking. If he canāt watch me fuck another man, which he has made perfectly clear, I donāt have to watch him fucking another woman. This has been agreed. We have to have a few drinks first. Thereās no way Iām going to be as brave as I was when I was younger. I need to have a few drinks in me before this happens. I think it would loosen everyone up. We canāt have eaten beforehand as I donāt want to feel bloated, and I certainly donāt want to need to do a number two right in the middle of it. Cāmon ladies ā thereās always a risk with sex after dinner. Ā She has to go down on me. I have to do down on her. We have to make each other cum. I want us both to suck his hard cock; gently fighting over it. I want to suck his cock while she licks his balls, and at the same time plays with my nipples. I want him to fuck me from behind while I go down on her. I want her to slide under me when he is fucking from behind and lap me with her tongue. I want to feel her lips on my clit. I miss the feel of a woman.
Wow. That escalated quickly.
I wish I could say that to him, but recently our sexual conversations have been awkward. I donāt think heās quite got the hang of text sex yet. Heāll get there. Ā So now I am incredibly horny, and no amount of using my new rabbit is making anything any better. And the next time I get to see him, we wonāt be able to fuck because he will be recovering after āThe Snipā This situation does not bode well for me or my vagina. I have jerked off four times today, and as I sit here writing this, my vagina is literally throbbing, aching for me to get myself off again. I have the female equivalent of Blue Balls for sure.
So as I end this blog, you guys can be happy with the knowledge that the second I finished uploading this post, my panties will be down and my rabbit raring to go, bringing me to a satisfying climax that I wish I could share with you guys. And despite that, my pussy still longs for a hard, beautiful cock.
Sincerely, Frustrated.
P.S. We still haven’t said the “L”word!
I have a few things that I want to get off my chest. Firstly, I donāt talk about the Bestie Iāve Never Had a Dalliance With, and I believe that he deserves a bigger part in my blog. He certainly consumes a bigger part of my life than I lead you to believe. Heās been my best friend for over ten years now. We had the same circle of friends, and I actually think the first time we met, we both thought it might just be a casual hook-up. We made out for a while under the stars outside the pub that night, but we didnāt sleep together. From there, we found a beautiful friendship. I love him with every part of me. I donāt love him like a brother, or a boyfriend, or a relative. I love him like I love him, and thatās just that. I have left this guy behind, for all the various men in my life, more times than I care to remember, and I really do hope that I donāt have to leave him again. My life seems to fall apart and me along with it when the Bestie is not in it. Hey, that rhymed!
Weāve had a few questionable nights ā nights we have been drunk and heavy/hardcore made out. There was one night, two years ago by the river, in his car that something was going to happen for sure. There was a second between kisses as were trying to rip of each others clothes off, that we both looked up and realized what we doing. Letās just say we backed down pretty quick, and went our separate ways. There have been a couple of nights similar to that, but that was the closest we had ever gotten I think. The Bestie Iāve Never Had a Dalliance With is a massive part of my life, and even when Iām mad at him, Iām not really mad at him. Heās seen me at my best and my worst, rich and poor, happy and sad. He still loves me. And he keeps all my secrets. People tell us that one day we will end up together, and although that thought pops into my head sometimes when the Bestie and I are doing something funny or cute, I donāt think itās ever going to be that way for us. Maybe we will. Maybe we wonāt. Heās my Bestie and I love him. Ā
**********
Secondly, I stalked Big Love again. Just the once. And his girlfriend, Miss. A. is actually really fat. Score!
Thirdly, I really do think I have a crush on my new manager at work. Itās still only a little one. He popped into my head while I was masturbating earlier. It was pretty hot. Iām not sure whatās up with thatā¦ heās not even hot!?!?!
Fourthly, Iām scared to have Skype sex with my boyfriend. Itās been hinted at for the past few days, and he asked me earlier on today ā āDo you want to have Skype sex later on?ā I made a joke out of it, of course; thatās what I do in situations Iām uncomfortable with. This seems like a lot of work right now. Iām going to have to shave. Iām going to need to pull a sexy little lingerie set out of my box of tricks to make it look like I walk around like that all the time. Iām going to need to do my hair. And my makeup. And then Iām going to have to fake it on Skype to him, because we all know Iām going to get stage fright and not be able to cum as it will be our first time. When did I turn into such a pussy? I Skype-sexed with the Big Love all the time. I might just go out. Weāll deal with this another time.
And one more thing ā I have planned for my next weekend to go up the country and see said boyfriend for the second week in January. He is going in for āthe snipā two days before I am due to go up there, and neither of us realized this until last night. Fuuuuuck. I donāt even have a Nurseās outfit. He asked me if I would still go up there even if we couldnāt have sex. I know the right answer to that question; thatās the answer I gave him. Ladies and gentlebugs ā I am travelling two and a half hours up the country for a fucking cuddle. I must be bonkers. My vagina is screaming out for a good fucking, and itās going to get a half hearted lick and a poke because every time he touches me, heās going to get a boner and this will hurt his bruised balls. This does not sound like my idea of fun. Neither does playing his damn nurse maid. Thatās not exactly my style. Begrudgingly, Iām going up there. But itās only because I āLā word him.
By the way, it still hasnāt been said. Pffft.
I have āLā word tourettes. I have wanted to say the āLā word to One Ball every moment of every day for the last few days. Itās all I can think about. Heās all I can think about. Andā¦. I think he feels the same.
We have had a couple of conversations about this over the past few days. Well, in a round-a-bout sort of way, anyway. We send love hearts in our text messages and we were mucking around, sending various colored hearts, when he sent the words
āOne Ball (big pink heart) Notsosexinthecityā
Insert real names here, of course.
It flashed up on my radar but to him I said nothing. I didnāt react. To the Bestie Iāve Never Had a Dalliance With, I was freaking out. I know I have been having these little moments to myself where I think about saying those three magical little words, but I wasnāt prepared for him to start bringing it up. I ignored the message, which he picked up on later on. I told him that I had been getting ready to go out, and he said that he was worried that he had gone too far and didnāt realize what he had sent. I told him I didnāt even think about it. A few texts later I asked him if it was something that we should be thinking about, to which he replied āI donāt know, letās talk about it later?ā
Later came, and we were joking around when I said something along the lines of āYou are smitten!ā followed by a tongue-hanging-out face. He sent me a screen shot of a dictionary definition of smitten saying āvery much in loveā
Was this his way of telling me that he āLā wordās me?
I told him that I wasnāt ready for this milestone within our relationship (to grasp if we were on the āsame pageā) and he told me that I should make a decision about what smitten really meant. I think heās trying to encourage me to say it. I told him that I had so many things in my head, but I didnāt know how to get them out. Then I said the one sentence I knew I had to say ā
āIām so scared youāre going to break my heartā
The Bestie Iāve never had a dalliance with knew I was THERE already. He said he knew it when I forgave him for the two massive lies and then the whole looking-for-my-blog debacle. He thinks Iām a fool for forgiving him, and for getting with someone in his line of work again (they have a reputation). Heās looking out for me and I know this, but he seems dead set against me being with One Ball. Itās starting to worry me a bit. Is he right? Am I fool for letting myself feel this way over One Ball?
The one thing I do know is that I want to say the āLā word so badly; Iām scared itās going to blurt out somewhere completely inappropriate. Every time I hang up the phone, Iām scared Iām going to say it. Every night before bed, Iām scared itāll come out in the āgood nightā text message. Itās right there on the tip of my tongue yet still, Iām not so sure. I think he feels the same as me. In fact, I think heās waiting for me to say it first. I just donāt understand how this has happened so quickly. And man, it has been quick! It was only a few weeks ago that I was still completely besotted with the Big Love, and now I canāt get One Ball out of my mind. We are on the phone every night and sometimes during our breaks in the day too. We text constantly ā every second we are awake. He sent me an actual photo of the two of us that we took the weekend I went up there. He didnāt email it, text it or Facebook it to me ā he actually Snail Mailed it to me with a tiny note that just said ā āMiss you xxā
What do I do folks? Do I bite the bullet and get it out there, or should I keep those three little words to myself? Am I freaking out about being in a serious relationship again, or am I right to not be sure about One Ball? I donāt think Iām ready for all of this yet. Iām still too fragile; too broken. You know what they say though ā life is too short to be scared. Iām the girl that jumps into things head first without thinking of the consequences ā what the fuck is holding me back now? Ā I know what might make me feel better. How about I say it here?
One Ball, I love you.
Sooooo putting aside the drama with One Ball for a minute, something truly fabulous has happened in my life. When the Big Love and I were together, he had a best friend that we shall call Mr. C. Mr. C was with a girl called Miss. N, and they got engaged. Recently, they got married in the sun. There are photos on various Facebook pages ā my Bestie On The Other Side of the World sent me a couple shots. Miss. N looked beautiful on her wedding day, and they looked very happy. I had a mini stalking session, and came across some photos that Big Love had put up. Turns out his girlfriend is less than beautiful in a bikini. Now Iām not saying that Iād look any good in one, but the fact that the photo clearly shows ACTUAL squelching back fat has made me day. No, my week.
Towards the end, Big Love knew he was too good for me. He really was a beautiful man. He always told me that he could have any girl he wanted, and was doing in those final phases of make-up/break-up. I had imagined him with every beautiful girl we had come across. For him to bitch about my weight for so long, and the way I looked, and then run into the arms of his girlfriend, who we shall now name Miss. A. I had wanted to call her The Bitch from Hell for so long, but to be fair, itās not her fault, and he is going to destroy her as well. Maybe he already is? She actually looks like a lovely girl. However, Miss. A isnāt the skinniest girl in the world, nor is she the prettiest, but man she had better have a great personality to keep the hyper-sensitive Big Love gagging for more! Or give better blowjobs than me, but Iām pretty good so I choose to ignore that thought.
I donāt get it, guys and gals; she is clearly punching well above her weight.
Aside from my bitchy, un-called for response to Miss. Aās bikini shot, what else has been happening in my life? Well, Iām still pissed at One Ball. And Iām making sure he knows it. And I think I have a crush on my new manager at work. Just a little one. Perhaps not even one to write home about.
I do miss One Ball. And I am finding myself messaging him, and then having to remind him that Iām pissed at him because I forgot myself. Iām calling myself mad as I say this, but I think Iām going to give him another chance. I think I may be in too far to just call it a day and not really care, but at the same time, I am too soon into it to be forgiving him for massive mistakes already. First there was the lie about the kids, and then the different Mothers, and now he has gone looking for my blog. Thatās kind of a lot of stuff, right? Even as I say the words āIām giving him another chanceā every ounce of common sense in my head is yelling at me to run in the opposite direction. The thing that worries me the most is that this feels familiar. This is comfortable. I am so used to not feeling secure in a relationship that doubt and questioning has become the norm. I secretly love the mini-dramas, but hate them at the same time. I really am a masochist.
He really is trying to make it up to me, I think. He keeps sending me these cute little pictures, like this one:
He also keeps telling me what him and his kids are getting up to. Itās cute. Heās walking on egg shells around me, and if Iām honest, itās pissing me off. He told me earlier that he thought I was too good for him, and says he wants to make it up to me at every possible opportunity. I canāt figure out if he is playing a game, or he really is a good guy that has made a few mistakes. It has jumped right on to my radar though ā heās showing enough of a badass side, with the lies and the going behind my back, to keep me really interested. I have been so angry for the past two days, and all I can think about is riding him, holding my hand around his throat, scratching him upā¦. I really do lust after a bad boy. Iām so predictable. Whatever. Ā I’ve guessed that you have all pretty much guessed that I am deciding to carry on with my blog as normal after I got “outed.” He has promised he won’t read this and I’m taking his word for it. If he doesn’t like it, he can just not read it! This is my private little space and I’m not giving it up (or you guys!) for the world.
P.S. I still love him a little bit.
Not So Sex in My City! 