I am going to apologize in advance – this post is going to be one long man-hating rant. The Big Love, Number 29 on the list – “What’s Your Number?” the one I am still pining for; the one that broke my heart into a thousand teeny-tiny little pieces, and who I haven’t yet recovered from – he has done it once again!

They say it takes half the time you with that person to get over them, and we were together for 2 years, so technically, I still have 6 months more pining over that man to get through yet. Screw him! Well, with a little bit of Facebook stalking this morning, I read his latest Facebook post – he’s buying a house with his new girlfriend. They have been together just under 6 months. We were together for 2 years and I couldn’t even get him to commit to sponsoring me to stay in the godamn country! He couldn’t in all fairness – he had a bankruptcy looming over him that still wasn’t finished yet, which brings me nicely to my next point – how the f*** is he buying a house with his credit?! I feel so used right now. I worked my ass off, 6 days a week, to pay off his shit – his kid that he doesn’t see from a previous two-night stand, the wife that he was divorcing, and the bills that he never sorted out which lead to his bankruptcy in the first place… I feel like such a stepping stone. We built up a beautiful rented house, and I spent a small fortune in art on the walls and making the place look nice. Now he’s living there with his new Bitch and they are buying a house!

I don’t even know why I’m upset to be honest, or why it has affected me in quite this way, but when I read that Facebook post, I quite literally burst into tears. I am still not over this man, nor am I going to be for some time yet it would seem. He broke my heart. I don’t even know where to begin, but I guess I owe you guys some sort of explanation for the current man-hating, sex-addicted whore that I have become.

It was the massive love story. We were in a war zone. He had not long left his wife; I was in the process of leaving my husband. Meeting this guy gave me the kick up the backside that I so desperately needed in order to finally leave the husband. Number 29, the Big Love as we shall call him, showed me how a girl should be treated – he gave me an opening into the fairytale that I was so desperately seeking for. It was fast, it was crazy, and it was love. Big Love. I left my war zone, left my husband, moved to the other side of the world to be with the Big Love, and it soon began to fall apart. Without going into too many details because that would just give the game away, we started fighting.

He had a drug problem that kept resurfacing, and after a while, he ended up losing his job after crashing one of his work trucks into a bank in the snow. He refused counseling because he didn’t need it, clearly. We were on/off, on/off, on/off for a long time, and it ended up being a revolving circle of pain and hatred, love and tears until eventually, I found the courage I needed to finally book a flight, pack up all of my stuff into the smallest, cheapest boxes I could find and fly my sorry ass back home, with tears in my eyes and a heavy, heavy heart.

In all fairness, I wholeheartedly believe that this guy was “The One”, if there even is such a thing. He made me the happiest I have ever been, even when I was sad, and although I think I miss the life that I had on the other side of the world more than I actually miss him, it still pains me to know that we are no longer together, and I can no longer see his beaming smile, or cradle into the “nook” of his armpit when we sleep together at night in our beautiful, massive king sized bed.

The fact that he is buying a house, or even thinking about buying a house, with a girl that he has been with for just six months, hurts me right to my very core. It’s like a stab in the heart. A stab that I was almost expecting, but not for some time yet!

I guess in reality, I was still expecting the fairytale to come true – that somehow, someday he was going to turn up on my doorstep and tell me that he had made the biggest mistake in letting me walk away. He was always telling me that he believed I was the one for him – even right to the last minute he said such a thing. Yet now, just six months on, he’s already over me and moving on to a new and happier lifestyle with his new Bitch. She may be the nicest person in the world, but to me, just as with the Lapdog, she will be the Bitch.

Surely he can’t be over me already? I know what he is like in a relationship – I saw it with me and I saw snippets of it from when he was with his wife. He loves them all over Facebook, at every possible opportunity, yet with this girl; the new girl, he has barely mentioned her. There are no photos of them together, aside from on her Facebook, there are no big “I love you’s” – these are all things he does with EVERY relationship, yet not with her?! Why is this? Is she just a stepping stone too? Something that he needs in order to buy the house he has been so desperately craving for so many years.

He had this big life plan that he would be married again and buying a house by the time he was 30 so that he could settle down and have kids – that’s what was meant to have happened with us. Why is it happening so quickly with her?

I guess right now, my biggest problem is jealousy. I am jealous, and I freely admit it. I am jealous that she is spending those nights with MY man. The man that I believe was meant for ME! How did I go through all the hard work of re-building his confidence when he had none, persuading him to try new things, building a beautiful home, and making sure he had a beautiful closet with new piercings and tattoos, great hair, a beaming smile… all for her to enjoy? How is this fair? And how much longer am I going to keep feeling like this?

All I know is that stalking his Facebook page isn’t helping me, and I should probably stop that, but in all fairness, I probably never will. I just hope that he is happy, and that she is too. Maybe he has changed now; maybe he is a better person, away from the drugs, and with his head screwed on? All I know is that no matter how much of a Fuck Up he was when we were together, I still could have dealt with so much more shit, and I would have done quite happily if it meant staying with him and us making it to the big fairytale ending. I guess now we will never know, and my heart will continue to break until eventually it mends itself. I don’t usually regret anything that I have done, but in all honesty, I REALLY regret walking away from him and somewhere deep down, I feel I have made a terrible mistake… Although to be fair, how much more is one person meant to go through before they finally decide enough is enough?

Heartbroken

 

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