Another night, another film. This one is a bit odd but was suggested to me by One Ball. He doesn’t know about my current obsession with The Big Love, nor does he know about my two week breakup crash course, but he stole some films from my hard drive, came across this one and told me I must watch it. Apparently it’s good for a breakup. So here I am….
There were a few things about this film that started the cogs turning. At one point, the guy changed his attitude and personality to match what the girl on the date was looking for. I definitely do this in long term relationships. I tend to “morph” into the guy, regardless of how hard I tried to prevent it. This actually didn’t happen with The Big Love however. In fact, I went totally the other way from the girl that he was actually looking for. It was weird – it wasn’t really “me”, nor was it the girl he wanted. I lost myself for a while, and it seems to be taking an awfully long time to find me again.
Aside from him, there was definite morphing happening. Does this happen with everyone? In the film, he then goes on to say that the girl he had been so “in touch with” had now become obsessed with the worlds most unattractive shoe? Basically, he discusses how differences occur within a relationship and how you must accommodate each other. Did I accommodate these men? Or was I incapable of keeping my opinions to myself, thus destroying everything we actually shared? Did I really care about the “unattractive shoe”, or in my case with The Big Love, the really awful headband he used to wear at the gym, or was I just opening my mouth for the sake of it?
I hated The Big Love’s sudden passion for the gym, and the fact that it kept coming between us because I just wasn’t that much of a gym bunny. All of a sudden he was buff and beautiful, and I was the fat girl that didn’t look good in photos next to him.
I hated the relationship he had with his best friend. I thought he lead him down the wrong path, especially with my guy’s drug riddled past. The same went for the tattoo artist.
I hated the fact I could never get time off work to actually enjoy activities with The Big Love, thus resenting it when he went and did them anyway. That certainly wasn’t his fault, but I blamed him nevertheless.
The thing I found intriguing about this film, and I guess the moral of tonight’s story, was that it had me thinking about all the things I did wrong in the relationship, and how I could potentially have destroyed it all. I did give him a hard time about things that were out of his control. I also started hating the things he enjoyed with a passion, because I couldn’t actively enjoy doing them with him. I hated roller blading because I didn’t have the patience for it and I wasn’t very good. He loved it and did it on an almost daily basis. These activities became his escape from me, and in turn, I grew to hate them.
The guy in the film then goes on to talk about the quirks that you pick up from each other in the relationship. I started picking up on his phrases – “perpy dawg” for example, when talking about every dog we came across, and “I can’t do it” in a faux-Indian accent that he had picked up from a film.
I don’t think he ever really picked up on any of my quirks, but I definitely stole a few of his. That must have annoyed him. I know it annoys me when people pick up my things. For example, I use the word “gay” when someone does something cute for me, or compliments me, and I don’t know how to take it. For example – “You look really cute tonight!” he says. I reply – “Gay”
The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of used to steal my “gay” phrase all the damn time, and it proper pissed me off. Get your own damn phrases. Now I can understand how picking up and stealing The Big Love’s quirks must have annoyed him.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this blog post. This film is definitely one that gets the brain thinking. It has me realizing that, in a relationship, I am truly irritating. Everything this guy talks about – all the annoying things that happen with certain people in a relationship, I do! I morph, I pick up quirks, I daydream futures with people when I know there is no chance of it actually happening. I can’t keep my opinions to myself. Things that I once loved about people start to bug me. I’m no longer obsessing with The Big Love. Now I’m obsessing over myself!!!
Back to reality and One Ball came over tonight. This time, however, we didn’t have sex. We teased of course; I laid on my front and he planted soft kisses all over my back, stroking me lightly with his fingers. I kissed all over his chest and stomach. It was different from what we normally do, but I didn’t hate it. It was something more than just sex… I think tonight I needed comfort, and he was there to give it to me. We cuddled for a long time, just chilling and talking. It was nice. Maybe there is more to this guy and our “whatever it is” than I first thought. Perhaps my breakup crash course is actually starting to work? I do feel sorry for you guys having to read all this soppy shit. I know you’re just waiting for the sex…. Bear with me! The sex will come back, I promise! And hopefully once I’ve got the ex out of my head, things will go right back to normal – hot, sweaty, naughty, hardcore sex!
For now, I want to say thank you! Thanks to all of your comments, likes and reads, and for bearing with me on my long & complicated journey. Whether or not you like to believe it, you guys are actually helping xoxoxo
After a conversation at work today, I realised the men in my life were a mess, and more than a little confusing. For my own benefit, as well as to keep you in the loop, I have decided to get the update down in black and white. There’s a few men in my life right now. There always is.
There’s My Mr. Grey. I haven’t really been paying him a lot of attention these days. I don’t have the patience to deal with him while he figures out what he really wants. I adore him, I tell him I love him on an almost daily basis. He can work out what he wants and then let me know. It’s funny though, my mind has been consumed with One Ball recently, so I haven’t really texted My Mr. Grey, but it seems to have kicked him into touch. He invited me to a wedding at the end of this month that I simply cannot afford to fly to the other end of the country for, so instead, he has been constantly texting me and has decided he is going to try and come to my end of the country instead. Apparently he misses me so much, he just cannot keep away.
Then there is One Ball. We were meant to have had our second date tonight but I cancelled. It’s heading towards the end of the month, and my funds are running low. On top of that, I can’t really invite him back to mine. I live with family again after leaving my Big Love with absolutely nothing. My family is a messy bunch, and to be fair, the state of my crib embarrasses me, and I don’t have the time or the inclination to keep cleaning up after everyone. The thing is, One Ball is in the same boat – he has recently left his missus and has practically nothing himself. I could easily invite him over to mine, but to be fair, I quite like him and I don’t want to hand it over on a plate; something that would easily happen if he proves to be as good of a kisser as he already is in my head. You know when you just look at someone’s lips and you just KNOW they are going to kiss like a pro; that’s how I feel when I look at him.
One Ball gave me his list of what he wants from a woman, and although I don’t want to blow my own trumpet, I reckon I have pretty much all of them. He wants a girl that is strong willed, independent, funny and dirty/kinky. I tick all of those boxes, right? His favourite celebrity that he would like to date is Pink. This makes me happy. I’m bleach blonde, pierced and tattooed, and have my own unique take on the punk look, especially with my ever changing coloured hair. Currently, I have white blonde hair with blue dipped ends. Very Pink! I guess in conclusion, I’m still kinda smitten by this guy and I cannot wait for our next date. I almost wish I hadn’t cancelled. He is seeing his kids this weekend, and I probably won’t get a chance to see him now until Monday. It’s Thursday right now. That seems like such a long time away!
The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of – after the “Please don’t text me again, ever!” text message, I had a couple of apologising text messages, and a call from a withheld number that I assume was him. That’s it for now. I kinda miss him. I miss talking to him. There is no chance I would ever forgive him for what he did, what he said to me, and how he made me feel however. I have secretly unblocked him on one of my phones in the hope that he might get in touch but it hasn’t happened yet. I guess he’s still fucking his way through the dating website, one girl at a time. Asshole.
The Lapdog. I haven’t heard much from him recently. His girlfriend tried to add me on Facebook, and he called me at 4 in the morning, but since then, nothing at all. Maybe he has finally got the hint? I do think about him from time to time, but not enough for me to ever want to contact him again. I’m done with all that crazy!
The Big Love. I messaged him on Facebook recently to see if he would send me something home. It took a joint, a lot of re-writing and a big deep breath to send it, but I did. That was yesterday, and I have heard nothing yet. I guess he’s over it then. Huff and puff. I’m not going into another Big Love rant. Does this mean I’m on my way to being over it?
So there you have it. I don’t think I’ve missed any of them out. It doesn’t look so confusing now, but I do need to remember that the exes are exes for a reason, and if they are trying to contact me, I should just find more ways to avoid them! Heartache is a matter of choice. You either let them get you down or you don’t; it’s as simple as that!
So today, I met a boy… I’m getting old so the teenage crush moments that I have will be few and far between. This is my feeble excuse for an explanation as to why I’m about to have a very pathetic excuse for a blog post.
I have been speaking to his guy that we shall call One Ball. We shall name him this because he told me he only had one ball; he was born that way. We met on the same online dating website that I met the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of, and Number 33 – the prick. We have been talking for a while. We have spoken about many things – he’s divorced, I’m divorced. He’s in the military, has three kids, is leaving the military, and only has one ball. He kept asking me out on a date, I kept putting it off. Tonight I met him after work for a coffee. I lied and said I was on antibiotics so therefore couldn’t drink, and that I had plans later on that night, and therefore couldn’t stay long. He’s not that attractive, so I wouldn’t imagine I was going to be at all into him. He also has kids – me and kids do not get on. He’s from around here, and I hate the boys around here; especially the accents. It grates on me, and I cannot stand it.
Well, it turns out that I actually quite like him. He’s funny. I was in stitches for most of the night. He is easy to talk to, about everything and anything. Because of similar background experiences, we have a lot in common and we can empathise with each other.
He’s also not as bad looking as I thought he was. There is actually something very appealing about him, and I can’t work out what it is. He’s blonde and I don’t normally do those. He’s also pretty short, so I couldn’t wear heels around him. I quite liked his style thought – easy and breezy. Jeans, hoodie and black DC sneakers.
We did coffee, and we talked. Then we walked and we talked. Then we sat and we talked. We’re at our own houses right now, and we are still talking. I could talk to this guy all day. And I guess I have been, and didn’t actually realise. He was funny, I felt natural. I didn’t pretend to be someone or something I’m not. I was just…..me?
He walked me to my transport method home, and we leaned together…. I hugged and cheek kissed, he just looked bloody uncomfortable. All the way I was thinking a whole bunch of things. Did I misread it all? Was the kiss inappropriate of me? Maybe he’s not a first date kinda guy? Maybe he doesn’t like me?
I got home and found this message on my phone:
“Sorry about the awkward kiss/cuddle thing. I’m not very good at that.”
Oh my god he does like me! Oh and before I go any further, his spelling is atrocious and I don’t even care! That’s one of my biggest complaints! This guy has something going on that I don’t even get. I really like him. I wish he had kissed me, and I’m smiling like a crazy bitch every time he texts me. He had the power to brighten up a really shitty day. I shall get to this now.
The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of is an actually crazy head fuck. He was texting me all day yesterday, telling me wanted me back, and he would do anything to do it. Then he suggested just sex. Of course, I responded to this by saying that I didn’t think just sex from him would be possible, and I didn’t believe it was a good idea.
He fucking lost it. He started telling me that the girl he pissed me off with the other day had left his an hour ago, he was fucking gagging for sex, he used her for sex, that’s all he wants from me. Then, THEN, he sent me a screen shot of their conversation!!! What the fuck is this guy on? This went on for a long time, with me trying to ignore his skank-ness, and eventually, after what felt like a million messages later, I lost it. I sent one text message:
“Please don’t text me again. Ever.”
Then I blocked him. He sent me a text and tried to call, so I added him to my reject list. Then he sent me a message on Facebook, so I blocked him. Then he sent me a message on the dating website. So I blocked him on that as well. He sent a couple more messages, all apologising, and a voicemail message, and that was it. I have blocked him in every way that I can, and he knows full well I have deleted him from my life. This asshole is finished with. I am also putting My Mr. Grey on the back burner. He won’t answer me with a straight answer, so I’m not waiting around for him to never make up his mind. I understand he may be shy, nervous, whatever, but I deserve better than a maybe, especially if he “loves” me as much as he says to me he does.
So for now, I’m revelling in my crush. And I will continue to talk about it. I’m trying to push the conversation towards a sexual direction, just to see if we would be compatible in THAT department. It might be a bit early though, I guess? Who cares. I’m enjoying it!
Today the men in my life came back to bite me in the ass. Me and the Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of have finally come to another abrupt end. The compulsive liar tendencies, and asshole exterior was too much for me to bear. We decided that it was time for us to stop talking. It was the only way to really put a stop to things. Well, guess what ladies and gentlemen. He text me today. Of course he did. We all knew that was coming. Do you want to know what he text me? Let me share the secret: “Hey babe, I just wanted you to know that I got laid last night, and it was so very vanilla. She had nothing on you!”
What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.
First of all, who the fuck actually says that to someone? Why would any man in his right mind send that to his ex-girlfriend, with whom he is trying to get back with? Great, now I now you’re dicking around, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot barge pole.
Secondly, did he seriously think that it would make me angry? Perhaps jealous? Angry is probably the right word. Who does he think he is? Who says that?!?! I would hate to be that poor girl right now. Unless she has, like me, realised that he couldn’t kiss to save his life. And although he has a giant penis, aside from pounding someone really hard, he wouldn’t have a clue what to do with it. If she hasn’t noticed all of that, she is probably really into this guy who has the giant cock, the warm smile, and some serious charm moves when he can be bothered. She probably really likes this guy, and he is talking like that to an ex-girlfriend. That is the most childish thing I have ever heard, as well as the meanest! Poor girl. I just hope she never finds that out! He is very clearly using this girl, not only to get one up on me, (who had sex with someone else first?) but to try and make me jealous enough to go back to him. He underestimates me, clearly. Why would any girl want a girl that would act like that to a fellow girl? Surely the sister-hood instinct would kick in, and any chick would steer well clear? What if they did the same to you? Of course, the obvious hit me as well – I am either very good in bed, or he has had a series of very bad shags. This made my ego straighten up and stand tall, that’s for sure. This was only for a minute though, of course, and then my sister-hood instinct kicked in, and I realise this guy was an actual douschebag.
He text me later on this evening apologising. I told him earlier that we weren’t meant to be talking, and he was trashy with what he said. Trashy was the nice easy of putting it; what I actually mean was fucking scummy trash bag. That was a little harsh though, so I kept it to myself. I unfriended him on Facebook. Then he’ll realise I’m pissed.
That’s not all that happened. Oh no. The other thing that happened started last night too. The Lapdog’s girlfriend added me as a friend on Facebook. Again:
What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.
Why is she adding me on Facebook? What does she want? What could we possibly have to talk about? Are they breaking up? What has he said about me? What does she think about me? See, the questions have started. Fuck you bitch!
It got worse people. Much worse. The Lapdog then CALLED me at 4am this morning.
What. The. Fuck. Exclamation point. Question mark.
He didn’t call just one of my phones. He text both phones. I have two phones, by the way. I ignored both calls, of course. It was four in the fucking morning. I had work at ten. I fell asleep at two. Thanks to this asshole, I got about three or four hours sleep. After he called me, he then clearly heard my answer machine message, and text me –
“Hi, you’ve reached Notsosexinmycity (Clearly my name, but this is anonymous!) She might grow up and talk to you when she is done with all of her fucking crap, but probably not!”
Ugh. I thought I was done with that guy. Apparently not. Just like bloody always. Thankfully I haven’t heard from him all day, but I’m waiting for another call or text. The guy is a fruit loop, mental in the face, completely cuckoo. It has got me to thinking about what’s going on in his relationship for him and her to be calling, texting, and randomly adding people on Facebook. I just hope she doesn’t ditch him, because then he sure won’t leave me alone!
I am so mad right now. It’s funny because I wasn’t mad before and it has literally just hit me.
The Ex, Number 29, has put a new picture up on Facebook. It’s the outside of OUR house with his two new vehicles and a boat. OUR FUCKING HOUSE! He tagged Her, The New Bitch, in his photo. That’s not her damn house, it’s mine!
As you can probably tell, this is going to be a rant, and I am very sorry in advance for any language this may contain.
How is this shit still bugging me? It’s been over 6 months now. 8 in fact! Why is this still hitting me so godamn hard? If I saw this guy right now, I would punch him in the face. How dare he? That furniture; that was picked out by ME! That art work on the walls; yeah that was me too, asshole! The way I turned one entire wall in our bedroom into a curtained wall; yup, as you’ve probably guessed – that was all me too! That house screams me. Everything about it is me. How could he tag her in it? I put my heart and soul into that house. It was the perfect combination of him and me – his need for modern touches, with my need for soft art work and impressive, yet unique, finishes. It was US. How could he make it THEM?
We fought over the interior of that house. I remember the first time we fucked in that bed. The time that I gave him head on the couch with the blinds open in the middle of the afternoon. The time we were both coked up, and he fucked me with a Budweiser bottle on the living room floor. The way I was bent over the kitchen work surface in a maids outfit, waiting for him to come home. The tea light candles that I placed all the way down the stairs, leading to the bathroom when I wanted to give him a romantic bath for two. That hole in the wall I made when I throw his boot at him. The bump on the stairway wall when we couldn’t get the couch in. So many memories. How could he have forgotten? How could he replace me with her? He can’t have loved me. He wouldn’t rub it in my face that way if he did. He knows full well that I would be stalking his Facebook page, and yet he made THAT picture, tagged with his new girlfriend, his cover picture – the first picture I would see. How could he do that? This breaks my heart that he could be so heartless. I know it’s his Facebook and all, but really? Our house tagged with her in it?
It’s funny because when we broke up, all I could remember was the bad times. Now, all I can remember is the good – him pissing in the corner of the bedroom because he was drunk. That was ridiculously funny. Funnier than it should have been, anyway. I remember being sat on the floor in the living room, playing with my new Louboutin shoes he gave me for my birthday. I remember the way that we used to lay on the couch, me wrapped in my blanket and leaning on him, him playing Call of Duty or some other game, which I used to love just watching him play. Where did all my bad memories go? Why is it that I just remember the good? I cannot believe all of these memories were so easily replaced. He used to tell me that he knew I was “The One”, what happened to that? Did it just disappear? I know when I called him “The One” I truly meant it. And I still do. I’m so hurt by this guy right now, and his actions. His blatant disrespect for my feelings clearly shows he’s over it already.
He made a post on Facebook just a little while ago saying something along the lines of “Did you ever just look at “your past” and go wow! Did I make the right choice!” The punctuation he chose made things rather confusing to me. The exclamation point at the end of the sentence says to me that he’s thinking he most definitely did make the right choice. However, he was never any good at punctuation and this could have just been a typo.
I am missing the most important thing though, of course; he doesn’t necessarily mean me! I automatically assumed it was me, of course, and this sent me on a spiral of depression. Why did he make the right choice? Have I got older? Am I ugly? What is so wrong with my life that he would say that? All of these swiftly followed by a side helping of – He must be stalking my Facebook page – he’s still interested in my life!
See what I mean – this guy sends me into a spiral of crazy, to levels I didn’t even know I had within me. Fuck I miss him. How is still having this effect on me? I keep having this constant day dream of him turning up at my door with the news that I have always wanted to hear. It’s never going to happen; when the hell am I going to get over this? My mind seems to have been consumed with My Mr. Grey, and Number 29, with a side order of Number 15, (The Lapdog) who text me the other night, asking me if I had blocked him on Facebook. I had, but that was because of a recent fight, which left me so mad at him, I didn’t even want to have contact with him.
When did men become my life? That is a ridiculous question; men have always been the be-all, and end-all of my life. It’s just getting so confusing. That is before we even get to the thought that The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of could be a compulsive liar. This is another story for another day. My future seems to be with My Mr. Grey, but I can’t get him to commit to it. My past with My Big Love; I just can’t seem to leave it behind. I am in limbo – I’m in the middle of love, lust and hatred. And I fucking hate it. Fuck you Singledom!
So following my two days of complete kinky fuckery (see Warning! Explicit Content!) I have come to the conclusion that I am a little bit in love with my Number23, AKA my Mr. Grey from 50 Shades of Grey. By a little bit, I mean a lot.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m always like this after our rendezvous’, around every two years or so, but this time I think I’m actually pining….. And it sucks.
Today is my first full day of being completely smoke free. I am quitting smoking. I wasn’t sad, angry, and stroppy or pissed off though; I was talking to Number 23 all day. To be honest, I think I’m still on a MAJOR high since our two days of full on kinky fuckery. Tonight however, as we are texting, I have realized that we have diverted away from the usual sexy stuff, and we are actually talking. He said that he felt good around me; being around me was good. Better than he ever remembered. Does this mean that he is thinking more like I am? Or am I just reading too much into this? Does good sex play havoc with the brain and make you think that there is more to the situation than there really is? Maybe the sex hormones are covering my eyes in rose tinted spectacles and I don’t even like the guy at all?! Well, probably not, but you can probably see where I am going with this.
I feel like screaming right now, metaphorically of course. On one hand, I have this amazing fuck buddy that I see every now and again, which is probably why the sex is so great. He gets me, he pushes my boundaries, and he drives me fucking mental. On the other hand, there is this guy that actually is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met with just the right hint of badass about him, that would probably rock my world if I ever dared to speak the truth.
The thing is I don’t know whether this is a chance that I am willing to take. Is it really wise of me to sacrifice the best sex EVER for a relationship that may or may not work? We have been doing our thing for what, like 9/10 years now, and it works just fine. It would be stupid of me to make a mess of it all by saying something stupid like “I love you!”
So, I have decided to say everything I want to say to him right here:
Dear. Number 23/My Mr. Grey,
You are the most amazing man that I have ever met in my life. Not only are you so respectful towards women, it makes my heart melt, but at the same time, you pull my hair and slap my ass like no one ever before, but you are also the right combination of awkward and hot, with a dress sense that on someone else would look ridiculous, but on you just works, and I LOVE YOU. I love you like a girl would love a pair of shoes that she found in the attic that she used to love years ago, and wants to love again. Bad metaphor, but only you really know how much I love shoes.
I have always known that you are the perfect guy for me. Really, everyone else has always known this too, which is why every guy I have ever dated has hated you with a complete passion.
You are perfect in every way – you challenge me, you fuck me like a total pro, you spoil me, you make me work for your attention, and you have this amazing way of putting your hand on the back of my neck while we are walking along, which not only turns me on immensely, but also makes me feel massively protected at the same time. It’s like a small gesture that only we get. I know you are never going to come across this, but in the small chance that you do, or by some miracle you decide you feel the same, please tell me so that we can stop scooting around each other like two sex obsessed teenagers with a serious kink fetish, and live the happy ever after we should have lived all those years ago when I married the wrong guy.
So for now, My Mr. Grey, I adore you. In every sense of the word. And not your graying hair, your funny dress sense, or the funny way you giggle when you fart is going to put me off. Now if only you would buck up your ideas and feel the same, we may both stop being so godamn unlucky in love.
All my love forever,
Me xoxoxox
OK, so I was dumb. Last night I met The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of for a drink. I took the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With along with me. I went to an old bar that I used to work in, and I bumped into some people I knew. You would think that this would be protection enough, but no, my vagina apparently had other plans.
It was the bottles of bud that did it. I’m not sure how many I had, but I knew it was too many on an empty stomach. What started out as being friends meeting for a drink and a chat, turned out to be the guy I couldn’t get rid of coming back to my place, us having pretty damn amazing sex, and me thinking I may have just lead him along.
Last night, when he was back at mine, things went a bit nuts. He had asked me to do something on his phone for him, and as I did so, I happened to come across his text messages. From the names that the most recent contacts/text messages were given, it would seem as if he were back on the dating website where we actually met, and talking to other women. This meant to me that he was on his way to getting over me, and we could actually just be friends with benefits. Oh no. This was wrong. I am a crazy person.
So, first of all I got jealous of him texting these other girls. Oh yes – the “I don’t want him, but I don’t want anyone else to him” girl scenario that we (or at least I) seem to do so well, popped it’s head up again.
Secondly, I started a mini argument where I accused him of only meeting me for a drink for sex. This may have been my secret intention, but he doesn’t know this.
Thirdly, it ended up with him wanting sex, me having a completely unrealistic huff, and us fighting and having crazy rough sex that blew my freaking mind.
I think I squirted last night. Let me set the scene – I was on my back, my legs were wrapped around his waist, he was pounding into me with such force, I came, squirted, and ended up splashing my own face with the stuff…. How the fuck did it travel that far up my body? I blame the hard orgasm, and his intense thrusting for it. However, it created a catchphrase for the day – “I think I just came on my own face!”
I struggled at first of course – he had offended me, (for a reason that was unknown to him) so I said no to sex. He doesn’t like no, so he grabbed my wrists, pinned them back onto the bed, and dry humped against me. It turns out; this actually turns us both on. A lot. So, some heavy petting, a lot of bad kissing, (I actually think his technique has improved some)and serious dry humping later and I realized I should probably go have a shower and sort my incredibly hairy vagina out.
A shower later, and we resumed the order of the evening – I was soon pinned to the bed, and he was soon thrusting against me. This resulted in the tearing off of each other’s clothes, and a fuck that quite frankly, blew my mind. He was hard, then he was soft, and then he was even harder, and then I came, and then I was on my front and he was lifting my ass in the air, and then we were cuming together, his groans of release mingled with my cries of painful pleasure. It was an intense night.
He woke me up at 5am this morning again, which pissed me off, but I let him carry on. By the time I was awake and realized the time, and the fact that I had awoken to a cock inside me, he was almost finished so I just let him carry on. I may have had a cheeky orgasm at this point, but I was mad at him for waking me up at 5 in the morning AGAIN when I had early work, so I never let on that he made me climax.
It was after I had gotten to work that I realized my mistake – he was texting a lot more, he was pressuring me to see him tonight, and getting stroppy when I said no. I managed to put him off until later on tonight where he told me that he was drunk and on his way over. This, of course, resulted in a rather pissed off conversation where I told him that turning up at my house was unacceptable.
He seems to have got the message for now, but it worries me – I’m probably going to sleep with him again; it’s too good not to. He’s going to develop feelings, or at least further develop the ones that he already got, and I’m going to find myself in a situation I can’t get out of again.
Damn my stupid vagina. And then say men think with their genitals!
I am going to apologize in advance – this post is going to be one long man-hating rant. The Big Love, Number 29 on the list – “What’s Your Number?” the one I am still pining for; the one that broke my heart into a thousand teeny-tiny little pieces, and who I haven’t yet recovered from – he has done it once again!
They say it takes half the time you with that person to get over them, and we were together for 2 years, so technically, I still have 6 months more pining over that man to get through yet. Screw him! Well, with a little bit of Facebook stalking this morning, I read his latest Facebook post – he’s buying a house with his new girlfriend. They have been together just under 6 months. We were together for 2 years and I couldn’t even get him to commit to sponsoring me to stay in the godamn country! He couldn’t in all fairness – he had a bankruptcy looming over him that still wasn’t finished yet, which brings me nicely to my next point – how the f*** is he buying a house with his credit?! I feel so used right now. I worked my ass off, 6 days a week, to pay off his shit – his kid that he doesn’t see from a previous two-night stand, the wife that he was divorcing, and the bills that he never sorted out which lead to his bankruptcy in the first place… I feel like such a stepping stone. We built up a beautiful rented house, and I spent a small fortune in art on the walls and making the place look nice. Now he’s living there with his new Bitch and they are buying a house!
I don’t even know why I’m upset to be honest, or why it has affected me in quite this way, but when I read that Facebook post, I quite literally burst into tears. I am still not over this man, nor am I going to be for some time yet it would seem. He broke my heart. I don’t even know where to begin, but I guess I owe you guys some sort of explanation for the current man-hating, sex-addicted whore that I have become.
It was the massive love story. We were in a war zone. He had not long left his wife; I was in the process of leaving my husband. Meeting this guy gave me the kick up the backside that I so desperately needed in order to finally leave the husband. Number 29, the Big Love as we shall call him, showed me how a girl should be treated – he gave me an opening into the fairytale that I was so desperately seeking for. It was fast, it was crazy, and it was love. Big Love. I left my war zone, left my husband, moved to the other side of the world to be with the Big Love, and it soon began to fall apart. Without going into too many details because that would just give the game away, we started fighting.
He had a drug problem that kept resurfacing, and after a while, he ended up losing his job after crashing one of his work trucks into a bank in the snow. He refused counseling because he didn’t need it, clearly. We were on/off, on/off, on/off for a long time, and it ended up being a revolving circle of pain and hatred, love and tears until eventually, I found the courage I needed to finally book a flight, pack up all of my stuff into the smallest, cheapest boxes I could find and fly my sorry ass back home, with tears in my eyes and a heavy, heavy heart.
In all fairness, I wholeheartedly believe that this guy was “The One”, if there even is such a thing. He made me the happiest I have ever been, even when I was sad, and although I think I miss the life that I had on the other side of the world more than I actually miss him, it still pains me to know that we are no longer together, and I can no longer see his beaming smile, or cradle into the “nook” of his armpit when we sleep together at night in our beautiful, massive king sized bed.
The fact that he is buying a house, or even thinking about buying a house, with a girl that he has been with for just six months, hurts me right to my very core. It’s like a stab in the heart. A stab that I was almost expecting, but not for some time yet!
I guess in reality, I was still expecting the fairytale to come true – that somehow, someday he was going to turn up on my doorstep and tell me that he had made the biggest mistake in letting me walk away. He was always telling me that he believed I was the one for him – even right to the last minute he said such a thing. Yet now, just six months on, he’s already over me and moving on to a new and happier lifestyle with his new Bitch. She may be the nicest person in the world, but to me, just as with the Lapdog, she will be the Bitch.
Surely he can’t be over me already? I know what he is like in a relationship – I saw it with me and I saw snippets of it from when he was with his wife. He loves them all over Facebook, at every possible opportunity, yet with this girl; the new girl, he has barely mentioned her. There are no photos of them together, aside from on her Facebook, there are no big “I love you’s” – these are all things he does with EVERY relationship, yet not with her?! Why is this? Is she just a stepping stone too? Something that he needs in order to buy the house he has been so desperately craving for so many years.
He had this big life plan that he would be married again and buying a house by the time he was 30 so that he could settle down and have kids – that’s what was meant to have happened with us. Why is it happening so quickly with her?
I guess right now, my biggest problem is jealousy. I am jealous, and I freely admit it. I am jealous that she is spending those nights with MY man. The man that I believe was meant for ME! How did I go through all the hard work of re-building his confidence when he had none, persuading him to try new things, building a beautiful home, and making sure he had a beautiful closet with new piercings and tattoos, great hair, a beaming smile… all for her to enjoy? How is this fair? And how much longer am I going to keep feeling like this?
All I know is that stalking his Facebook page isn’t helping me, and I should probably stop that, but in all fairness, I probably never will. I just hope that he is happy, and that she is too. Maybe he has changed now; maybe he is a better person, away from the drugs, and with his head screwed on? All I know is that no matter how much of a Fuck Up he was when we were together, I still could have dealt with so much more shit, and I would have done quite happily if it meant staying with him and us making it to the big fairytale ending. I guess now we will never know, and my heart will continue to break until eventually it mends itself. I don’t usually regret anything that I have done, but in all honesty, I REALLY regret walking away from him and somewhere deep down, I feel I have made a terrible mistake… Although to be fair, how much more is one person meant to go through before they finally decide enough is enough?
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There’s this guy I work with – he’s not attractive to me AT ALL, he’s not my type, I don’t look at him and want to jump on him, but for some reason, we seem to have this mild flirtation going on, and in short, I have been thinking about him recently. Now I do appreciate that I am single for the first time in a long time, and I am also not getting laid, so I am pretty much ready to jump on anything that moves at this point, but regardless of all of this – what is going on in my head?!
This guy has a child – this is a massive no-no for me to begin with. He is arrogant, difficult to get along with, completely against everything appearance-wise that I would go for in a man, and we fight like cat and dog at work. You know when you think to yourself – this is wrong but I’d still do it anyway and never admit it to anyone; that’s where I am right now.
So what’s the attraction with this guy? He’s very reserved; he had a lot of custody problems with his child and the Baby Mama who sounds like a crack whore. It takes a lot to crack him, and for him to trust anyone, and everyone has commented at work that he has taken to me very nicely and also very fast. It took a male colleague a year to get accepted as a friend on Facebook, (his Facebook was once used against him in court with the custody battle, so everything is SUPER private) yet it has been just two months and we are already Facebook buddies. I guess in short, I cracked him. We have this mild text flirtation going on outside of work hours; something that has been cracked up a notch in the recent days that I have found myself single again. I just thought it was a bit of friendly banter at first, now I’m wondering if there is more in it.
So what’s the deal? Am I truly interested in this guy or is he just a plaything until something else, (better) comes along? Is it a bit of friendly banter for him, or am I technically leading him on? He’s not super ugly, so he can’t be short of female admirers. He’s just not the type of man that I would go for.
Now we have a policy at work that you are not allowed to diddle your colleagues, so I know nothing would really happen between us, but I did have this very interesting dream last night, which is what prompted today’s post. In my dream, he was a master in bed; something that shocked me, even in my unconscious state. I can’t imagine him to be good in bed, but in all fairness, I have been wrong about this before, so I shall hold my judgment. Not that I’d ever know anyway. He has been on my mind a lot recently, especially during our friendly text flirtation, and I find myself smiling to myself whenever I receive a less than clean text from him. Could I possibly like someone that goes completely against my grain, and if so, could we get away with it without anyone at work knowing? And – how uncomfortable would it be if he were to be shit in the sack, so to speak, and then I had to face him almost every day at work? OK, I have just answered my own question – this is a bad idea, you slut, and leave the poor single Papa’s alone!
So, I haven’t been around recently and I apologize to my readers for this. It’s been a pretty hectic week to be fair so I thought I’d give you all an update. So the Mama Bear stuff – she got her blood tests back and they were all clear, so that is good. She had an ultrasound and they found nodules, and we are awaiting the results of those to see if she needs a biopsy. She is in better spirits thankfully, which means that we all are, and my sister now knows about it all so I don’t have to watch my mouth. I’m not very good at keeping secrets and I can never remember to think before I speak, so trying to keep a secret like that for very long would have nearly crippled me!
Now for the man… Well, Wednesday night he came over and we had a bit of a mini fight. He wants my time all the time, and I simply cannot give it to him. Between my Mama, my job, my freelance writing on the side, and my friends and family, I don’t have a lot of time, and I have recently come to the conclusion that I simply do not have time to be a girlfriend. I need a fuck buddy that is there when I need him, and gone when I don’t. It turns out the man was already having reservations about the lack of time we were spending together, or the fact that we didn’t feel like “boyfriend and girlfriend”, so not only did I manage to break up with him somewhat successfully, I also managed to make him believe that it was his idea. Score!
He was fine Wednesday night. I decided to let him stay and obviously honored the parting blowjob. I broke his heart in a roundabout sort of way, so it was the least I could do.
Thursday morning we woke up and he started getting all girlie on my ass. Now I don’t mind a bit of emotion from a guy, but considering that we have been dating since April, and in a relationship since the beginning of June, I personally feel that this meant far too much to him for such a short amount of time. I mean, I know I’m kinda cool, but I’m not really anything special, and for him to react in the way that he did Thursday morning, and right up until now, I just feel that he was being a tad melodramatic.
We both agreed that this relationship wasn’t going in quite the right way for either of us. He’s 28, so there is a good chance that he is going to want to settle down at some point soon, and I’ve already done the marriage thing and I haven’t divorced that twat yet, so I’m certainly not looking to settle anytime soon. Also, he wants a proper girlfriend – holding hands, public displays of affection, lots of time together, etc. Right now, that really isn’t my thing. So, the sensible option was for us to break up and for him to stop wasting his time on something that wasn’t going to go his way at any point soon.
Firstly, when he left me on Thursday, he decided to tell me that if we were meant to be together, we would end up back together. Sweet. This morning, I woke up to messages from him telling me that he didn’t want us to break up and he thinks we gave up too soon. Seriously? How many more times do I have to tell this guy that right now, a relationship is not for me? It was one of the biggest reasons why The Lapdog and I didn’t work out! It’s funny because the current guy picked up on my reactions to The Lapdog and the things that he did, and commented on how I was jealous. I fought against this to the death of course, but he does have a fair point. This brings me very nicely to my next point – last night I missed The Lapdog’s birthday party, and I feel like a pile of shit about it to be honest. I didn’t go for a few reasons.
Firstly, I couldn’t really afford it.
Secondly, he had invited a guy that I tried to date when I first came home from the other side of the world, and it all just got a bit weird. Also, this guy and the Lapdog actually hated each for years, so I’m not really sure what’s going on with that situation. From what I can figure out, the guy I almost dated is the best friend of the Lapdog’s girlfriend, AKA the Bitch. Hence the invite, I’m assuming.
Thirdly, I don’t want to see the Lapdog sucking the Bitch’s face off the entire evening. I’m single now, so technically I’m not getting laid. I’m going to want to have sex with the Lapdog, and I know that I can’t because he has a girlfriend now.
In short, I am back to being single. I am back to not getting laid. I am also back to staring at my ceiling, feeling more than a little lonely, wishing I had someone to snuggle up with, just like I did last night. However, I would rather be single than not happy with the guy I’m with, so I guess I made the right decisions. Or so I hope….
Not So Sex in My City! 