Today is what would have been our three year anniversary. Is it only me that would be hurting today, or would you be hurting too? Am I being melodramatic over this?
My heart hurts so much right now, I don’t even know how to describe it. It just feels so … heavy? I really, really miss him. It feels as if it were a thousand years ago, but at the same time it could have just happened yesterday. I spent the first six months after I left him sorting out everyone else’s problems, so I delayed my grieving process by about six months I think. And fuck is it hitting like a godamn brick. I have never felt this pain over losing someone before. I never once felt this bad about leaving The Hubby. No breakup has felt like this; not for me anyway. I smoked a joint when I got home from work last night. I knew it would get bad. I knew I would get like this again; insane, break up crazy. That joint didn’t help me. I actually think it made it worse. I have One Ball sexting me all the things he wants to do to me when I see him next weekend, and all I can think about is Big Love. One Ball doesn’t know the importance of tonight, of course; why would he? I think he knows something’s up though.
I can’t think straight. I watch some TV and I think of him. I type some blog and I think of him. I do my laundry and Boom! He’s in my head again. What right does he have to consume so much of my attention right now? Ugh. I hate him.
I didn’t mean that. I don’t hate him.
I can’t remember exactly what he looks like anymore. I have a fuzzy image of his face in my head; just enough to make out it’s him, but not that clear. It’s as if my mind is slowly fading out my picture of him. I see photos sometimes and it hits me exactly how attractive he was to me. That cleft lip that he was so anxious about, or his “designer” looking stubble. He was beautiful in my eyes; from that lanky streak of piss I fell in love with, to the “hench” well-built guy I walked away from. Guys and gals, he was fucking hot.
I wonder if he knows how much he rocked my world. Like actually rocked my world. The guy was awesome. He was funny too, but I think he was funny to me because it was ironic. Half the time I’m not even sure I knew what he was saying to me. His accent just drove me nuts at the beginning so he could have been talking shit to me the entire time and I would never have known it. I think his accent made him sound kinda dumb, but it was hot and red-neck at the same time. He used to text me every morning to say “have a nice day” and after a while, I learned that when he didn’t send that, I had done something wrong or he was pissed. It was like this weird little code that only we knew about. I used to hate those mornings where I didn’t get a “good morning” text. Yesterday, I got the same feeling for One Ball. He has text me every morning, regardless of time, to say “Good morning!” This morning he didn’t text me. I missed it. I didn’t like that he hadn’t sent me a morning text. He later told me that he hadn’t had a signal, but it made me realize how big of a gesture this was for me. I crave that morning text when I am in a relationship, and I liked what it was “code” for with the Big Love – it was our little thing and I want it back.
I’m hurting so bad right now and I really wish I could get over it and stop. I’m disappointed in myself for letting him get to me that much. I’m better than this. Surely I’m stronger than this? What the hell is fuelling my fire for him, rather than putting it out? Have you ever had that one guy that you pined for? Not just pined for; I mean really piiiiiiiiiiiiiined for. I wish I could tell him how I really feel. I want to tell him how much I miss him. I want to tell him that the fact he never said goodbye fucking broke my heart. I want to tell him that I still think he was “the one”
I want him to know how hard it has been to get over him, and that I don’t think I ever will. He’ll always be the one that got away. He should know how many songs remind me of him – I won’t give up by Jason Mraz, We found love by Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris, Hey lady by Thriving Ivory, Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson, Count on me by Default … This list could go on for some time. Every single one of the songs that destroy me now once held a memory so precious I wanted it to be embedded in my heart forever.
I think he has a right to know that me wanting his happiness is a long way off, and as much as I pretend I am happy that he has found someone on the outside, I hope she eats him up and shits him out just like he did with me. I want him to know how beautiful he always was to me, even if his worst of states. I want him to know that he drove me insane with just one kiss. I want him to know that he was everything I could ever have wanted in a man + one awful drug habit I most definitely didn’t sign up for.
I wonder if he remembers that it’s now our anniversary. I bet he does – he always remembered things like that. For our six month anniversary, we were on my side of the world. He waited for me to get home from work naked on the bed, rose petals and candles everywhere, strawberries and squirty cream all over him. He had written a note about why he loved me on a piece of paper on every single one of the stairs leading up to my bedroom. It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen. Unfortunately, I was two hours late home from work because my sister (who worked with me) had an unsightly swollen insect bite on her foot and it swelled up so big, she couldn’t drive home. I got home, turned him down and went to have a shower. I don’t know why I did that. He always did things like that at the beginning of the relationship. It didn’t last that long though; the romantic phase of our relationship.
I looked at his Facebook today, and she has written on his wall twice. She’s a once a week poster-kinda gal – I wonder if the two posts were for my benefit? I once again realize that the Big Love and everything about him is sending me into a new spiral of crazy. I’m not even that bothered about One Ball at this point – I’m glad he’s away. One less fucktard I need to bother myself with. Because let’s be honest; you know he’s going to screw me over in one way or another.
Not So Sex in My City! 