So this weekend has been a weird mixture of emotions. I went to see the new Twilight film with the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With, had a mini moment of fear with One Ball, and reminisced about my former life with the Big Love far too much.
This time last year, I went to see the last Twilight film with my favorite girlfriend on the other side of the world. I should probably give her a nickname now; I talk about her enough in this blog! The Big Love wouldn’t go with me, even though we had gotten back together; it wasn’t really his scene.
I keep reading these crappy self help books in a bid to sort my head out, and in some respects they are working. For example, one year anniversaries and stuff are said to be hard, and that’s definitely the running theme of the past few Big Love blog posts.
This time last year he took me snowboarding for the first time. It was a disaster if I’m honest; I was very bad at it, and I spent most of the day sliding down a mountain on my ass because my board had slipped into a valley and we found ourselves in 13 foot deep snow. At one point, I was sure I was going to die. Looking back now, it was actually hilarious. We did have a good day though, and I remember going home and having sex with him for the first time in weeks. I found a photo of us on that day and we looked so happy – how was I to know that it was already too late? We had already done too much damage to our relationship.
I keep thinking to myself – just a couple more months and the one year anniversaries would be over. I left the other side of the world in February, so once that day has come and gone, these depressed moments reminiscing will be over. That’s what I’m hoping anyway. I’m struggling with the festive season right now though. Christmas last year was sad. We both ate a turkey dinner for one – he lost his job around this time, and we were struggling financially. Our relationship was on and off, and we barely managed to get decorations up. New Year was even worse – he had gone missing for three days, and I spent New Year’s Eve alone, and New Year’s Day looking after him as he had overdosed on cocaine.
This year I am determined to just keep busy. I have bought my dress for New Year already – I am going to a party with the Bestie. I have also put myself down to work all through Christmas. We have family drama’s going on right now so I haven’t spoken to my Mother in a few months, and I can see Christmas being a drama-filled affair. Long story short – my Mama’s boyfriend is an asshole. The whole family has been fighting about him for years, and I normally keep myself in the middle, rather than on a side. This time is different though – he keeps writing on the Big Love’s Facebook, to the point where he was slagging me down a few weeks ago. I told my Mama if she continued to let him treat her, me and the rest of our family like this, she would be on her own. She took his “side.” Only a few days ago, with a bit of Facebook stalking, I see that he has been writing to the Big Love again. Actually this time, it wasn’t to Big Love; he was talking to Big Love’s girlfriend on the site! He knows how hard it has been to get over this guy – why would he be talking to him and his girlfriend like it doesn’t matter? It breaks my heart, but I swallowed it down, didn’t say anything and got over it.
Back to the here and now, and I have reservations about One Ball already. It’s a complicated thing but I’ll try and make it simple. He hasn’t had a phone for a while – he dropped his iPhone in a bucket of water so now only certain things work on Wi-Fi; using the device as an actual phone didn’t. Thankfully, the messaging app that we used to communicate worked. He had a spare older phone that he was using at one point, but that got stolen.
He recently bought a new phone so he could keep in touch with me now he has gone back to his normal place of work, and he is going away with work for two weeks. However, ANOTHER messaging app had shown he had updated his status 12 days ago. If he only got the phone 2/3 days ago, how was he updating his status 12 days ago? The app doesn’t work with just Wi-Fi alone – it has to have a working phone number, in a working phone in order to be usable. I had a conversation with the Bestie, and he seems to think that One Ball has had a working phone the whole way along, and perhaps he isn’t single….This “new” phone has a different phone number to the “spare” one he was using.
Another thing that puzzled me was the fact that he said he had two email addresses when I requested to send him something a little while ago. He has his “original” email address, which is the one he uses all the time. Then he has a secondary one, for the weird people on the internet. How many weird people is this guy talking to? I know a lot of people have more than one email address; I certainly do, so this didn’t really bother me too much.
However, I then noticed something else. The original messaging app that we were using; the one that worked on Wi-Fi, had his name spelt in a completely different way to his actual name. Same surname, just different spelling. I asked him about this and he said it was for when he was talking to the people on the internet dating site – it was so the “nut jobs” wouldn’t have his real name. Are you keeping up with this? I found his “real” spelling on his ID card in his car a while back, but it only clicked that it was different a couple of days ago.
Things are starting not to add up. The reasons he are giving are making sense, aside from the message status update 12 days ago, but with the two big lies about the kids, it doesn’t look good, does it? Add to the mix my seriously screwed up head, caused by years of bad relationships and it is not a good situation.
The Bestie thinks he’s leading some kind of double life. I think I’m being a paranoid bitch. One of us calls the other every night, and sometimes we Skype. Surely he wouldn’t be able to talk every night if he were leading a double life? We also text ALL THE TIME – day and night.
The thing that put the cherry on the cake, so to speak, was when he joked about me getting the train up to see him on Friday. I seriously considered this option as I was off work, and as soon as I started asking questions – what trains, how much, etc. he abruptly told me that he was only joking and I couldn’t turn up. He had the day off work…. What was stopping us? The fact that he already told two whopping lies and his line of work has a reputation for being cheating assholes doesn’t help the situation right now. My hubby was in the same line of work… I guess I’m already kind of jaded. It’s such a pain in the ass – the second I think I could actually have real feelings for this guy and my head plays up, making me reminisce about the Big Love and question everything about One Ball. I have spoken to him about some of my concerns, but I can’t really tell him everything I’m questioning and feeling right now – he’d think I was a crazy bitch.
To be honest, I think I’m probably over-analyzing everything far too much. It’s that gut instinct thing again – it’s always been right before. I guess it’s safe to say that this weekend hasn’t been a great one for me. Three days off work, and my head goes into overdrive. I did get superbly baked last night, and we all know the effects pot has on me – I turn into a blubbering mess, remembering all the past loves and lives I have lead. The same thing is probably going to happen tonight. I just wish my head would know what it is doing. One minute I’m on top of the world, loving life and the new relationship, and the next I’m finding fault with everything about him and missing an ex that doesn’t deserve my tears. I blame it on the Festive season and fighting with the family. Let’s just hope that the next couple months go by fast for me.
I’ve been a little out of action recently. It’s been a busy few days so I thought I would let you know what was happening in my life. We shall start with The Big Love obsession. I was trundling though my two week crash break up course of sad, soppy movies and crying myself to sleep but to be honest, I just got a bit bored of being a manic depressive so it would appear that I snapped myself out of it. Yes I still miss him. Yes he has been posting pictures of his loved one on Facebook. Yes I’ve seen them. Yes they make me feel sick. No, I’m not letting it get me down. GO ME!
I did buy a couple of self help books which I’ve not started as yet. We will talk about those at a later date. Back to the real world, and I think I’ve made a mistake. Number 8, who from this point forward we shall call Super Woman (I will explain in a sec) has popped back up into my life. The best man from my wedding; we once had a drunken dalliance, and a couple of nights ago I may have accidentally had text sex with him. Ooooops my bad!
It started innocently enough – he text me asking how I was, I replied, we spent the day messaging polite small talk, and then the reminiscing began. Did I remember the night we spent together? Did I remember that he didn’t finish? Did I remember that he made me bleed because he was super rough, and he stopped because he didn’t want to hurt me? Of course I remembered all these things; it’s probably up there in my top ten bad sex stories. I was drunk, not unconscious! He said I owed him and the flirting started. I’m a very flirtatious person, so I hadn’t quite realized where the conversation was going until it was too late, and by that point, I was bored and horny so just kind of went with it.
This post, just so you know, is not going to be a nasty, naughty, passionate remembrance like some of my previous posts. Oh no! This, ladies & gentlemen, is how NOT to have text sex.
He sent me a picture; a penis picture. Here comes my first problem. It was kind of out of the blue. We were flirting but I didn’t realize we were at THAT point of the conversation.
Here comes my second problem – he was a hairy mess. I don’t know about you girls, but I at least like my guy to have a somewhat trimmed hairstyle going on down there. This looked like a matted mess. Blurgh.
He sent me a video; he was jerking off. There is no real way to make an 11 second video of yourself beating off look good, but this one was the worst. I could see his grubby looking bed sheets, his dirty & bitten finger nails, his matted bush, a bit of a messy room, and all in all, the picture he painted was not an attractive one. He wanted a picture back. Fuuuuuuck. Now what do I do? This guy has seen me naked, he’s been inside me, and he’s clearly trying his hardest to make me want him…. I sent a picture back. Nothing too sexual (I have an album of kinky, rude photos of me… You know, good ones that I can fall back on should the need arise) – I was lying on my front, but you could clearly see the outline of my breasts underneath me and my ass just behind. You get the idea. I had hoped this would make him cum, and that would be the end of it. There is no way to stop text sex half way through, especially not in a polite manner. Damn my flirtatious nature! This, apparently, was not enough. He wanted, in his words, “fanny.”
Fanny?!? I’ve not said that word since I was five years old, and I certainly didn’t want my vagina called that! This guy clearly doesn’t know how to text sex a gal. I didn’t send “fanny” but I did send a tit-shot. Still not enough to make him cum…. I did what any girl in her right mind would do in this situation. I told him I was close and I wanted him to cum with me. In my mouth, to be precise. In came another video…. The money shot. Same grubby bed sheets, same dirty, bitten finger nails, same disgusting bush…. I “came” with him, of course… Whilst I was folding my laundry, and getting myself ready for bed. After all that “excitement” I told him I was tired and “fell asleep.”
The next night, he text me “I can’t wait for the games to start tonight” Crap! It wasn’t a one off! He wants to do it again! He also wants to come down this weekend and finish that weekend that we started years ago. This brings me to the Super Woman story.
I broke up with The Hubby and moved back from the European country to my home town. This break up lasted two weeks and was because he had taken all of our bank cards with him when he went away to work for a month. Anyway, I bumped into Super Woman in a bar. We laughed about the wedding day, had a few drinks and ended up back at his hotel room. The whole night long he had been dressed as Super Woman, hence the name. I didn’t know why he was dressed like that, and I never found out. It was very random.
It was a drunken, messy night that didn’t leave good memories. He couldn’t stay hard, and I think I got my period that night. He thought he had fucked me so hard he made me bleed, so he stopped and he didn’t cum. Neither did I.
Ever since that night, there have been repeated attempts from him to finish it off. He came to my birthday party and tried to take me home, so I ended up making out with the Bestie I’ve Never Had a Dalliance With to get him off my back. Now, because of my stupidity, I have started something and I’m not sure how to get out of it. How do I tell him that the thought of taking him to bed again wasn’t something I relished? I don’t want his grubby hands all over my body, nor did I want to pull remnants of his disgusting bush from my vagina for days to come! (Come on ladies; it happens!!!)
Once again I have found myself in a pickle. Maybe if I ignore it for long enough, he might go away? I honestly don’t know how I find myself in these situations. The past few days, he has been texting me on and off, but I’ve ignored most of them, or replied with “I’m busy at work” style messages. Hopefully he’ll soon get the hint.
Back to the good stuff, and it was One Ball’s birthday the other day. We’ve not been dating that long so I really didn’t know what to get him. He reads books, but he has a Kindle so I can’t buy him those. He doesn’t wear cologne. I don’t know what size clothes he wears… The gift-buying became difficult. I had thought about dressing up for him, but I did a quick sexy-underwear shop after work and I couldn’t find anything I liked that fit my huge boobs, or was acceptable to wear underneath normal clothing. We decided, instead of me buying him a gift, I would buy dinner and treat him to a movie instead.
He came to pick me up, I got dressed and then everything started to go a bit wrong. The car wouldn’t start firstly, so we ended up going to a shitty restaurant down the road from where I lived. The food was good, the company was amazing, and we headed back to mine. He wanted to see if the car would work, and it did! This is where things started to get a bit better….
We went for a drive and found a secluded spot where I worked my magic. Wink wink. Long story short, we fucked in his car – the front seats, the back seats, hand prints all over the window, loud, nasty, grunting fucking! It was amazing!
HOWEVER I’ve found a few things about One Ball that pisses me off. He takes too long in bed. It takes him an age to cum, and I don’t know if this is because of the one ball thing, or if I’m doing it wrong, but it’s never a quickie, and sometimes a gal just needs a damn quickie!
The second thing that bugs me is his face. He pulls some of the most random facial expressions when we’re fucking, and it puts me off a bit to be honest. When it’s dark it’s not so bad, but when the lights are on… he just looks kind of ugly. It’s not a big thing, and I don’t think it’s enough to kick him to the kerb just yet, but the fact that I’m starting to find faults is worrying me a bit.
We had the “exclusive” chat last night. He is getting sent to another part of the country in a week or so for work, and it means that we will be doing the long distance thing. We had to have the chat at some point I guess. We’ve been dating for around six weeks now, and we’ve shared secrets, fantasies and some pretty awesome sex; it was only going to be a matter of time before this conversation came up. I bit the bullet and said yes. We are now boyfriend and girlfriend I guess. I am in a relationship.
This brings me to another problem. My Mr. Grey – what am I going to do? I don’t know if we are meant to be dating other people, or if we are exclusive to each other. In my defense, I did ask him what the deal was and he couldn’t answer… Fuck my life! Things just keep on getting complicated. Despite my reservations about One Ball and the fact that he has kids, I think we may actually have something here, so I’m willing to give it a go. The good thing is that he is not on Facebook, so we don’t have to do the relationship thing on there. This means that for a while at least, I can hide it from My Mr. Grey but long term… Who knows?
To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing, or where my tangled relationship status is going but I’m just going to ride it out. One Ball doesn’t do long distance relationships very well, or so he told me, so there is no point in telling My Mr. Grey if there is a chance that One Ball and I won’t work, right? I guess only time will tell…
I finally decided it was time to bite the bullet and ask My Mr. Grey what the deal was between us. I huffed, and I puffed, and I paced the room, and I wrote that message and I stared at it for a while before I pressed send. This was nerve wracking. I had told him how I felt before and he had said that he felt the same, but this time was different; I was asking him to basically make a commitment to me. It has been a month and a bit with no sex. I’ve not slept with anyone since him, and that was at the beginning of August. I have no interest in sleeping with anyone else, even though I have hung out with The Guy I Couldn’t Get Rid Of quite a bit, and boy, has he tried it on!
It went a little something like this:
“I want you. I just want you. I adore everything about you, and there is nothing about you that I complain about, or want t o change. What are we doing? Are we “together”, as in not doing anyone else?”
It turns out there is something about him that I can complain about; that I would change – He couldn’t answer the question. It has been a couple of days and all he has done is skirted around the conversation! He feels the same, he is scared, distance is a factor, he loves me, doesn’t want anyone else, isn’t doing anyone else…. No yes! All I wanted is a “Yes, we are together!” He invited me to a wedding at the end of the month – not just the reception but an ACTUAL wedding. Yet he cannot seem to find whatever balls it takes to just say yes to a relationship with me.
He told me that he thought I was too good for him, and possibly couldn’t give me the life I wanted. What the fuck? Too good for me? This is the guy that I have been in love with for about 8 years. I have fantasized about him, about a life with him both in the bedroom and out of it. I finally pluck up the courage to tell him that I want a relationship and he couldn’t answer the godamn question? What the fuck?
I have realized that there are a couple of different situations that could be going on here:
- He could be keeping me on the back burner in case something better doesn’t come along. “Too good for him” just sounds like a total cop-out, and this makes me mad. I bared my heart and soul for him, and plucked up the balls to finally tell him what I wanted, and he just isn’t sure.
- He could be scared. I do understand this – taking the leap from 8 year friends and fuck buddies to an actual relationship is a tough call. I know how hard it was to tell him how I actually felt, so I can understand the concerns. If he felt like this, however, he should just tell me instead of skirting around the conversation completely.
- He thinks we may want different things. He wants to settle down and have a family soon, and I’m not sure where I stand on the family front. I have never wanted to reproduce, and I’m still married to the asshole, so I’m not even sure I would want to get married again. The thing is what if we don’t give it a go and in 3 years time I decide I DO want a wedding and some kids? What if we give it a go and I don’t? Surely if everything is so perfect everywhere else, it’s worth giving it a shot to find out? He’s only 32, I’m only 26 – we have plenty of time to figure this out!
- He’s not that into me. I don’t think this is the case. From the things he says and the way he is around me, I believe him to care for me as much as I care for him. Unless I’m letting my own feelings carry me away, and I’m just reading too much into it again. I have been known to do this before.
It’s such a pain in the ass! He won’t commit to me! What am I meant to do about this? Do I carry on dating? I’m talking to a couple guys that I met on an online dating website, and I have the guy I couldn’t get rid of is basically offering me sex on a plate, but I don’t want to destroy what I have with My Mr. Grey by stupidly jumping into bed with someone else. What if I meet someone else and we start a relationship and then My Mr. Grey decides he wants more. Surely he must know that I wouldn’t be willing to wait around forever. I have needs. I’m sure he does too. This means that he may jump into bed with someone else too, and knowing about this would break my heart!
I am in such a pickle right now. I have no clue what to do or what to say. I thought about saying it one more time – I want more, do you? However, surely I am just backing him into a corner like the other guys did to me, and all that did was make me run away. I definitely don’t want this.
Just to give you some idea of what I am dealing with here, I will give you some snippets of HOW he skirted the topic:
“Well I’m not “doing” anyone else either… haha. I dunno. I’ve also been known to be wrong before”
“We need to be closer to do it properly” (In response to this, I made him aware that I would be open to the idea of moving eventually)
“I know I want to see you all the time”
“I’m afraid I’m not actually gonna be good enough for you. I think you’re mega.”
“I really want “we” to be, but the question is, do I think you’re worth taking a risk for? The answer is yes, I just worry we want different things”
“I love you more than toast” (This is a big deal and a little cute thing we have between us)
Then he asked what it would take for us to be PERFECT, to which I responded that I wasn’t looking for perfection, just happiness; something I believe I could get with him. And then it stopped… the conversation stopped. He sent me a picture of his penis and we spent the next 5 hours text sexting.
What do I do about this information? What am I supposed to do about this information? This isn’t normal for me. It’s usually me not answering the conversation and avoiding the relationship chat, and now the boot is on the other foot, I’m not sure I like it.
So, there you have it. The worst of it is because I can’t have him and he won’t just answer the question, I want him a whole load more. I’m trying to avoid his conversations right now. I have avoided the messages this morning, and I didn’t text him back a whole bunch yesterday either. I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to put my heart and soul into someone that I truly believe is worth it, only to have my heart broken again because of a misunderstanding. I’m hoping that my silence, or at least distance towards him will make him realize. He’s a guy – probably not.
I haven’t been around for ages, and I will tell you why. It is because there has been NOTHING going on in my life. At all. Whatsoever. I still haven’t had THAT conversation with My Mr. Grey, (Number 23) but in my head, we are in a relationship, so I’m not doing anything or anyone else. This is a good start for me. It’s been about a month since he came down to see me and I haven’t had sex since then. A month?! It feels like it has been about a year. That’s the truth about LDR’s, or Long Distance Relationships – they are shit.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t jeopardize what I THINK My Mr. Grey and I have, so I therefore wouldn’t want to start sniffing around anywhere else. On the other hand, however, I am quite literally crawling the walls. Just yesterday I jerked off about 4 times. I had the day off work, and pretty much all I did was smoke a joint and masturbate for the entire day. It felt good, don’t get me wrong, but this behavior leads me to believe that I have a bit of a problem.
The other problem with the LDR is that you have a lot of time to think. I have smoked far too much pot, and I have also eaten far too many munchies. In my high states, I have reminisced and this is by far, the most dangerous past time you could come up with.
I restored my phone the other day. I hadn’t done it before this point because I still had texts from the ex on there, (The Big Love – Number 29) and I simply COULD NOT get rid of those. However, a lot of the apps on my phone were still on his account, so I couldn’t update them. The time had come for me – it was time to restore the phone and quite literally remove the last traces of him from my day to day life. We are no longer friends on Facebook, we blocked each other on Skype, we deleted each other from MSN… It would seem that those text messages were the last thing I had of us together, and for some reason, there was no way that I could delete them. The time had finally come. It brought with it some tears, of course. I had a wee look through them and it made my heart actually melt. Once upon a time, we were blissfully happy. Well, probably not but reading the texts back it sure looked like it. We made each other laugh, we put “x”’ at the end of our conversations, and overall, we were together. I hate that I still think about him, and that I compare other guys to him. If the old saying is true, and it really does take half the time you were with someone to get over them, I have about another 5 months to go, and if truth be told, I cannot fucking wait.
I still love this guy and this annoys me. I am willing to embark on my new adventure with my Mr. Grey, to the point where I would quite happily pack up my things and relocate to the other side of the country in a heartbeat, yet I still can’t get the old asshole out of my head. He really did break my bloody heart.
The only problem with feeling like this is that I actually want to tell him. I want to email him or Facebook him and make sure he knows exactly how much damage he did to me. No guy compares to him. The girls and I discuss men at work, mostly those that come into our store, and there is no one out there that takes my breath away in the same way that The Big Love did. Yes, there was the guy so beautiful I couldn’t speak but that’s all he had going for him. Then there is the guy I couldn’t get rid of – Number 34; he had a huge cock, was great in the sack, but just didn’t kiss right. The ex kisses perfectly of course. Or at least kissed – he made have changed his technique for his new girl.
The problem with the LDR is that you think about all the things you don’t want to think about. You remember all those things you didn’t want to remember. You get so horny you spend the entire day masturbating, and you basically act like the hermit you said you would never become. Wow, is this really worth it?
The thing is I reckon it might be. When My Mr. Grey texts me, he makes me smile. He says the nicest things, and I know that he misses me just as much as I’m missing him. So for now, the working too many hours, freelance writing on the side, and day dreaming about things gone past and times to come will just have to do. It’ll all be worth it in the end surely?
Not So Sex in My City! 